Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Question of the Day

First of all, thanks to everyone who commented yesterday on the colors. You guys really helped and when I get back from the States at the end of April I'll probably start ordering towels and other accessories to go with that bathroom.

Onto the Question of the Day!

This is inspired by a conversation that my best friend and I had last week.

Do you think it's appropriate for a couple to have a large wedding, register for gifts and request a shower if they both have been previously married?



Your thoughts?

26 comments:

Jessica Lynn said...

I was initially going to say, "no," because they already have everything they need. But then I thought about it and came to this conclusion:

If I—God forbid—were to get remarried and take all my stuff with me, there would bound to be things that would remind me of my husband all. the. time. event if the things were mine.

If I got remarried, I think I would want to start over with a clean slate. I don't think I would have a shower or re-register, because that's a little tacky in my book, but I would go out with my new husband and pick things out to use as a couple and probably donate the other things.

...just a thought.

Lola said...

I don't know that I would register - but you never know what the circumstances of their divorce were maybe neither of them have very much from the previous marriage . . . but then again maybe they are just anxious to get some posh new things. . . .

Emily's Going Nuts said...

The beauty of being sent information for registries... is that you can IGNORE it. Gifting is not required. That said, if the couple is excited about this wedding and want to do a bridal shower and registries, great! But it's up to the guests as to whether or not they want to get a gift. Gotta love it. ;)

Plus, keep in mind, this couple has a mix of old and new friends, where some of the old friends might not be into the whole wedding/shower/registry thing, but for the new friends it's a "first" wedding for them, so they might love it and be all over the gifts and whatnot. Make sense?

Stephanie Hartman said...

Hummm that's a hard one if it were me I don't think that I would do a shower or anything because I mean most poeple don't want to have to get you cool new stuff everytime you marry lol...

Sara said...

I always think it's weird to have a white wedding when a person has been married before. But a big wedding? Heck I don't care. People have a lot of friends and family sometimes and who doesn't love a good party? And if the bride and groom are footing the bill for it, what do I care?

Showers... I think that might be a little inappropriate but I can see it being fun still.

See, if we're talking about two people that have been married then divorced I've never seen a big wedding come from that.

However... a friend of mine from college married an Army officer. *he* cheated on *her* when he got back from Iraq. They got divorced and had only been married a year. If she was to have a big wedding and showers again, I'd be totally cool with that.

I think there's always a circumstance where it wouldn't be quite as inappropriate.

Jamie said...

I think it depends. I would probably find it inappropriate if a couple in their 40's had some big registry. But if both people had quick and very young marriages that fell apart, then I can understand 'starting over' with a new registry. It probably depends how much time has passed too. If it's all in a year or two, probably tacky to ask people to buy gifts again!

Natalie said...

Hmm... this is a tricky one. It could go both ways. It could look greedy to have another large shower and/or wedding but not everyone knows the reasons behind a divorce. They may not have anything and truly need new stuff. They have to do whats right for them, not anyone else. I think weddings are so different now that traditional etiquette seems to have gone by the wayside.

Patience said...

It depends on how long the couple was married for. Good friends of ours just got married and had a huge wedding and he was previously married, but his wedding was very small and he didn't want anything from his previous marriage because it reminded him of his past. I guess it depends on the circumstances.

Mrs. Sergeant said...

I am going to say that no. If both parties are getting remarried, and been through the motions before of the showers and registering and all that jazz they don't need to do it again.

A big wedding is enough, but the thought of adding on all that extra stuff is pretty tacky... especially if it's an older couple...

The Pink Chick said...

Tough question! I think I would have to know the circumstances. If I got married a second time, I don't think I would have a big wedding or register. I would just want something small and special.

Jessie said...

Interesting question.. kind of hits home since I'm getting re-married. It's my fiance's first though.

I feel weird about it. I don't want a shower, and I don't want a big wedding. What's the point? It's not about the wedding, it's about the marriage! I've already had those things, it's not right to do it again.

As far as gifting.. I've found that I don't particularly care, but many people have come out and are requesting us to register. Of course it won't be for the typical starter stuff.. more like games and what-not. Just to make those people happy.

Marine and Beauty Queen said...

Circumstances are important.
Normally, a couple that has already been married once likely is independent, lives either with each other or on their own, and can merge what they have to make a pretty darn good stockpile of household goods.
If one or both parties were cleaned out by a divorce, though, I can't say it's tacky to register.

JG said...

Hmmm....I don't really see "big wedding" and "wedding shower" as necessarily related. It just asked if the couple has been previously married, so I guess it might depend on whether they were divorced or widowed, but even then, I'm totally fine with subsequent marriages being large celebrations (shouldn't your friends and family want to celebrate it with you? If not, well, that's another issue. :)) But as far as gifts go, I would need to take that on a case-by-case basis. I mean, wouldn't couples who have lived together before getting married already have most of the stuff they need, too? But I think they get showers.

And to piggyback off of Sara, the same thing happened to a friend of mine. Within a year of being married, the loser got another woman pregnant and it was over. She remarried a few years later and had a white wedding, and I thought it was great. It gave her a new start and a beautiful wedding to remember with a man who will love her and will have a family with her. So, like I say, case-by-case.

Amber said...

Hello lovely!!!!

I would say, JUST ELOPE! It's WAYYYYYY easier!

Katlyn said...

Ok I'm weird on this subject and I hope I don't piss anyone off. I believe (and was raised) that if you live together before marriage then you shouldn't register. This is not because I think you are "living in sin" it is simply because if you can survive 2years (or how ever long you have been living together) with the stuff you already had, then why is it our job to buy you all new stuff?!?!

So if said couple was getting married for their second time and haven't lived together, then sure go ahead and register. If you have been playing house for a while, your only going to get a card from me.

Young Mom/Wife said...

I have known family friends who have done big wedding registry's for second marriages, and people tend to get annoyed by it. It may be the mentality of "well if the first one didn't last, then how am I to know I'm not wasting money getting them stuff for a second potential failure."

As for the wedding itself, I think if they can afford a huge wedding then go for it.

Scatterbrain said...

Well I can tell you about my personal experience. I don't know about if BOTH of us had been divorced, but since my fiance has never been married, but I have, I let him and his family dictate how they wanted the wedding celebrations to go. He and his family deserve having that memory even though it'll be a second go-around for me.

And, I'm looking forward to having a fresh start.. complete with a nice (small/tasteful, I hope) wedding. My first marriage ended badly... very very badly. He was physically abusive. But, now I have Jason, who I love and trust like I've never been able to trust anyone else, and our union deserves a celebration no matter my past.

As far as showers and gifts go, we didn't register anywhere because between the two of us, we already have most household things we need. But, some people still give us cards or small gifts here and there. Nothing is expected, but some people just want to.

michelle said...

When I remarried It was my first
actually wedding ,me and the ex got married at JP also he cleaned me out of everything so I think dpending on the situtation it wouldn't be inappropriate to have a shower and registry.

Ashleigh said...

I think it depends on the situation, really. Are kids involved, how do the parents and in laws feel etc etc. Ultimately, I think it's up to the couple and how they feel about it, really. Marriage is a beautiful thing, celebrating it should be as big or as small as they would like it to be...at least I think so.

Heather said...

The new marriage is starting their life together like any other marriage so I think it's appropriate for them to celebrate this union in whatever way they choose. Plus, what if one of them (particularly the bride) has never been married before? I think it is true that when getting remarried your and/or your partner may not want a lot of stuff from an old marriage. The wedding is a personal, special celebration that should be done however the couple chooses.

Heather said...

Also, I keep seeing "divorce" and the related in the comments. What if they were widowed? Would the answer still be the same?

Alison said...

I think registries are awesome because the couple - no matter how old or how young or how many times they've been married - can register for gifts that they actually want or need. I don't go to a party without a gift, so I'd like to get them something they want.

REQUESTING a shower - is weird to me...but a shower in and of itself can be fun. Like if they are going to the beach for their honeymoon the shower could be beach themed with all vacation gifts...doesn't have to be a traditional shower.

I don't know...perhaps I just enjoy any excuse for a get together:-)

Caitlin said...

I think it would be weird if ANYONE (previously married or not) requested a shower.

However, I don't think a second wedding should be any different than a first. They probably didn't get out of the marriage with everything, and they probably want new things with their new spouse. I don't think it is any different than someone who is older and has lived on their own registering.

Crazy Shenanigans said...

Hmm...I think it would be kinda strange but if they needed things then it would be ok to register. I don't know about the shower though.

Tori and Chad said...

Girl, I could write an entire blog about this. I'm actually divorced. And I felt so guilty about it the whole time we were planning our wedding. I felt embarrassed that I had ever been married in the first place. I was furious at myself for having ever been married in the first place. I kept begging Chad to elope but eventually, he explained to me that even though *I* had been through all the motions before, this was about us and our future, no one else at all. After a while, I started to realize that the people coming to our wedding weren't going to be 'tsk'ing us for having a wedding, they genuinely wanted to be with us in that moment as we became and support us (with gifts and love offerings) as we became husband and wife.

Shoshanah said...

I don't think its tacky. I think I'd have to go through life thinking, well I did this with my first marriage so we do I need to do this with my second? Clearly something didn't work out with the first, and if you're getting married a second time, you might as well do everything else for the second time as well.

However I think if you bought your friend a really nice, really expensive gift for her first marriage, you're under no obligation to go out and buy a gift that costs the same or even more