Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Question of the Day

Today's question of the day is inspired by a debate I recently saw on a forum.

Say your husband was PCSing (for you military gals) or got a transfer to a new city (for all you civilian gals). At most it was going to be three years at the new place. For any reason would you not move with your husband to the new place?



Discuss!

46 comments:

Julie the Army Wife said...

3 years is such a long time. I can't imagine not going with him. He is gone often enough I wouldn't want to add on the extra time without him.

Jessica Lynn said...

NOT going with him? No way. Especially for three years. I know some wives stay put when they PCS to a new place for a one-year tour, but three years is a really long time in the scheme of things.

SarahEileen said...

The only time I'd consider not moving with him was if I needed to finish up school or something, but that would never take the full 3 years and I'd definitely move there as soon as I could. Whatever works for ya, though!

Expat Girl said...

Nothing could stop me from following my husband....in fact three years would be a blessing and a novelty for us!

Amanda said...

no, i can't imagine ANY situation where I would volunteer to not live with my hubby for three years.

Katlyn said...

No! I have a "friend" who is not going to go with her husband because she likes her job. To me that is saying your job is more important than your marriage. As someone who is going to be the person in the relationship who is PCS'ing, I can only hope that whoever I'm with will value our marriage more than anything else.

Now, if you are finishing up school. Or if you have a sick family member that would need to be around, then I can see that. If it is just for training and it will only be a few months, then I say save the money and don’t go.

♥ Annie ♥ said...

ABSOLUTELY NOT!! There's no justifiable reason in the world not to go with my hubby. Three years is TOO long to be living apart.

neverdidthink said...

I'm new here, but I'll jump right in...

Three years is a long time and I would try as hard as I could to not let that happen. The only way I could see it happening is if I were finishing up in school and he got stationed somewhere else. But, as someone else mentioned, I'd visit as often as I could and try to make it out to wherever he was as soon as possible.

Gleatie said...

I don't think there is any situation that would justify not moving with your husband?? What in the world? You are married after all!! Things like moving come with the territory!

Jamie said...

Three years is a long time. My guy is going away for 2 and since we aren't married I'm not going. I'd probably feel differently if we were but I also think long term- my career is just as important as his. And I wouldn't say he didn't care about me or our relationship for having to move with the Army so I don't think it's fair to say a woman doesn't care about her marriage if she has her own career goals.

Jessica said...

Three years is a long time to be without my husband. If it were a combat zone, of course I wouldn't go. But a PCS - there is no way that I wouldn't be there!

My name is Aimee said...

The only way I wouldn't go is if I wasn't allowed to go. There are some pretty crappy places to PCS to, but that wouldn't stop me from being with my hubby!!!

Stacey said...

Before we moved here, I would have to say emphatically that wherever he goes, we go. That's it.

But now, after having been stationed in a place that has zero services for my autistic son, I would have to say that I absolutely will be more thorough about a place before we move there. If it means me getting a job in order to pay a second rent to stay behind or move someplace completely different, then so be it.

I have literally watched my son fall apart from having zero therapy, zero medication management, etc here, and I will never do this again. We are currently trying to figure out if I should take the boys and move to a place that can give him what he needs; it has created a bigger problem by us staying together than it would have if we had been able to keep Eli in therapy consistently.

Patience said...

Um no, I would move with my husband no matter where he went. I cannot imagine spending three years without him.

Lisa said...

Not a chance. We already have to spend so much time apart thanks to the Army, I wouldn't give up the opportunity to have time with him when I can. Especially not if there were plans for kids or already kids. Why deprive them (and myself) of the valuable time that could be spent with him?

The only ways I wouldn't go would be if I wasn't allowed or if it was somewhere too dangerous.

That being said, we'll be facing this sometime next year, and I've already made the decision that unless there's a ring, I won't be going. I don't think that'd be an issue, but we'll see what happens when he gets back.

J.L.S. said...

There was a time I would say that I would absolutely go with him wherever he went. But, now he is going to be working a bunch of contracted jobs and I have to go to nursing school so I can start brining in some decent money for us as well. Right now, there are no nursing schools close enough to us, nor are we going to be here long enough for me to even enroll. So, there may come a time where I have to move somewhere without him so that we can ensure that we will have financial stability and so we can start planning a family. But trust me, I would not do this without some serious thought and lots of heartache.

Marine and Beauty Queen said...

No. I can't imagine why you wouldn't move with him. I can imagine many reasons to come back frequently or to delay moving for a month or two, but not just not going.

Riding the Roller Coaster said...

The only way I wouldn't go with him was if the military declared it an unaccompanied PCS (and they would never do that for 3 years). There's a possibility my husband has to go somewhere for a year, and we're considering having him geo bach and come home on the weekends. But 3 years? No way.

Shayla said...

I would without hesitation move with him.

He is MY man, MY rock, MY strength, MY hope, MY wisdom, MY love.

I NEED HIM.

Its hard enough being engaged and apart I cant imagine CHOOSING to be apart during our marriage

Dani said...

The only reason that I wouldn't move with my DH is if we couldn't get colocated (since we are both Navy it is a possibility). However, it would be likely for one of us to move and the other to follow later (so it might be a year or something) but I don't see it being the whole three years apart. We would do everything we could to move together but I know that this is difficult for us.

Young Mom/Wife said...

Not go?! Umm...there better be some sort of crazy extenuating circumstances where the military told us we could not go with him. Otherwise, over my dead body would I ever not go somewhere with him for that long a period of time!

K said...

3 years apart by choice??? Why even be married??

I can't imagine not going with my husband! 6 months-1 year deployments are enough time apart, and they are not by choice. I will never understand anyone not wanting to live with their husband if they had the chance.

A Lady in Waiting said...

I definitely cannot imagine being married and being apart for 3 years. I would definitely follow in this case. The only reasons I see that I wouldn't are if the military says no for some reason, or if I had to stay somewhere or go someplace else because of families health. And although my career is important as well...I am the one who chose (or in my case will choose) to marry a military man. Therefore, I should have an understanding that he will be moving and not staying in one place. Just my opinion on that part of the matter!

Tori and Chad said...

I don't care how many jobs I have to find and quit, how many leases I have to sign and show PCS papers to get out of.

I know a lot of naysayers say "You have your whole life to be married" when it comes to short moves but I have to counter with "Exactly - which is why I want to spend it with him!"

Emily said...

If he was moving somewhere for 6 months i'd still go with if I was able too. There's no way we'd stay apart for 3 years. I can't believe people actually do that!

Sara said...

Wow, I just read all of the comments. I'm gonna have to say that there are a few reasons I wouldnt follow my husband to the new place. And at one point, I didnt follow him. I was in college, in the middle of my degree. Joe went to Germany. There was no way I was going to drop out of school to follow him to Europe. My education is SO important to me and he knows that. And if it happened again, say I got into a grad program and he came up on PCS orders, he would move. But I would stay and finish my degree. When I was done, I could always move to him. But I would never quit school just because of a PCS.

Work is different, you can always find another job. Classes dont always transfer, programs change, it's not worth the time or money to quit school.

Scatterbrain said...

The only circumstances I can think of that would prevent me from moving by choice would be if I had kids that needed to finish a school year or were already in a high school they liked and wanted to finish up there. And even then, I'd move to be with him as SOON as possible. I agree with the other women.. the army makes us be apart too much already!!

Sarah Ann said...

Hmm. I can see not going for school. I was lucky enough to transfer when I moved here but it set me back and I ended up not liking the college as much as I thought I would so now I am stuck. Don't get me wrong, it's been more than worth it but if I decide to go back to school it won't be for another 2 years and who knows where we'll be in life by then. Sometimes I wonder if I should have just toughed it out for the last two years so that I could get my degree. But life is what it is and I'm happy where I'm at and the decision that I made.

Jessica said...

I can think of no reason right now in my life that would keep me from moving with him! There would have to be some extreme extenuating circumstances for me to consider CHOOSING for us to be apart for that long.

Hannah Noel said...

Heck no. I knew what I was signing up for when I married him. He needs my support 100%.

Crazy Shenanigans said...

I think it would depend on a lot of factors but more than likely, I'd start packing my bags.

Elizabeth said...

I've done this year without him and I'm done with it... no job or education is more important to me than my marriage.

Adam and Shanna Family Blog said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Adam and Shanna Family Blog said...

We are coming upon this situation, and unfortunately I have to stay behind if our house doesn't sell right away. With the current economic situation that is a very big possibility, and to top it off we will have a newborn. That being said, it is absolutely NOT what I want! I just think it's important to remember we don't always know people's stories and why they do what they do, so we can't always judge a book by it's cover (not saying you are anyone is... just a friendly reminder!) Interesting topic to discuss! I agree with many on here- why WOULDN'T you go? But that's just because I love my husband dearly and absolutely hate our time apart, be it a day, a week, a month, nine months, whatever!

Caitlin said...

No reason I wouldn't go. Job? Don't care. My kids like their school? Family is more important.

HellcatBetty said...

Three years?!? No way I wouldn't go with him. That's waaay too long to be without the hubs, and way too short to not think of it as an adventure.

Stephanie said...

We ran into that when my husband got orders for Germany. We had the choice of him coming over here for 2 years, or the girls and I would come over for the 3 years. We decided on the latter obviously. He's already gone for soo much of the time, I don't think I could NOT come with him. The only time I would consider not going, is if my kids are in high school...but even then, it would be a very thought out process.

Mira said...

is there any other answer than YES?

Amber said...

I'm going to agree with most of your readers - where he goes, I go. My husband is a civilian - so I believe that if a great opportunity presented itself and we needed to move because of my career that he would follow me as well. I think that's a part of marriage - you agreed to live your lives together, not apart. He travels for weeks at a time and my heart begins to ache by the fourth or fifth night he is gone - three years?? No way....

Kara said...

I'm new here, but I'll speak up. This little topic struck home as it is soon to be my/our life. My husband is leaving for Korea at the end of April. The kiddos and I are staying behind. Why? 1. if we went, it would extend his tour for another year, 2. I have a great job and our kiddos love their daycare--so staying put for one year provides more continuity and more money in our pockets. That being said, we'll be making the trip to Korea over the summer to visit and we'll miss him like crazy when we're apart. However, we'll have base of preference when his tour in Korea is done--Yippee!!

Mary Teresa said...

The only reason I would stay is if I was financial bound. Like If we had a house I couldn't get sold and we couldn't afford to buy/rent a new one until the old house was gone. In my opinion, my husband and I don't spend nearly enough time together as it is, I won't choose to make that time any less than it already is. I love my husband and my family takes precedence to just about everything else.

Sarah M said...

This is something that we may face in the future. Fortunately, as long as he is state-side, all options are fairly close. Not as convenient as together, but we both have children from previous marriages and I am almost finished with school. My career path requires three to five years experience for the "good" jobs. We have discussed what we would do if we had to choose, but it's hard to say because even the best laid plans fail and no matter how we think life will go, there is always a curve ball. These women that call other women crazy or insane for not following, well, you can't call someone crazy unless you wear their shoes and live their life. Every life is different, even when husbands/wives have the same job as your husband/wife. You hope you can follow them wherever, after all, you knew that they would be moving when you chose to be with them, but sometimes you have to choose not only what is best for you, but what is best for everyone involved. If it was just the two of us we would take advantage of global PCS'ing, I could put my career on hold and do whatever while I followed him, but life isn't so simple. When you have children you also have to consider what is best for them, not only emotionally, but academically. Special needs children require even more intricate thoughts/planning.

The Mrs. said...

I couldnt do it. I'm away from him, my kids are away from him, enough as it is, where he goes. we go. except when he goes away.

Jane said...

Three years is a long time. However, there are situations where I can see that happening. I mean ... if I end up getting into a fabulous residency somewhere and my husband already has a fabulous job somewhere else ... it doesn't make sense to not live separately. If that three years is going to enrich your lives for the rest of your life, then its a sacrifice that has to be made. My brother in law commutes from DC because they would rather raise their kids here ... that's one long ass commute ... but they make it work. :)

Lola England said...

I am recently divorced with three children. I am in a relationship now with an AF friend ~ he is however stationed 1200 miles away from me. We still plan to be married soon even though it may not be possible for me to move to where he is stationed with my children. Is that the ideal situation? No it is not ~ but we don't have the luxury of being able to think of only ourselves. But that in no way minimizes my love for him or our desire to be married to one another.

Tania said...

Oh my gosh! I'm on this one (even though I'm late answering here).

So....Jon is applying for a job in the State Department. Awesome travel opportunities if he gets in. We're out of the Army 2011 and he's trying to time it so that he gets the job around the time he's done. Problem: I've signed a 3 year contract with a hospital here in Tucson. If I break it, I owe them $28K. So, for me not to move with him would be out of my control (because we don't have $28K laying around). He says "we'll figure something out", but if that involves being separated for 3 years I'm not down with that plan! Is it horrible of me to hope he doesn't get it the first time around?