Monday, December 17, 2007

Crunch Time

It's getting down the last days before my wedding, well techincally my second wedding. I obviously count the first since I consider July 5th to be my anniversary, but this one is more of the actual ceremony.

Anyway, while I was at work today I made a list of everything I still had to pay for and buy for this wedding and it really worried me. Sean and I are pretty low on money. We are young, newly married and neither of us makes that much money. Christmas is just around the corner and we still have people to buy for, plus move and do this whole wedding thing.

For a wedding we are still coming in relatively cheap. Under $2500 is my guess and that just amazes me with everything we are doing.

I know it will all work out wonderfully and the day will be so special for Sean and I and all the special people that are going to share it with us. I'm just a worrier and so I worry about the details of my life.

Tonight is my last night to work at the library. The staff got me a going away card and cake. I'm not shedding any tears though, even though I will miss my co-workers. I know the waterworks won't start until I say goodbye to my close friends and family. What makes it all worthwhile though will be the fact that I'm finally going to be able to live with Sean. Five months of being married and not even being able to live together is trying. We've certaintly had our share of tough times in the months we've been apart.

I'm so excited to start out life together, but also very nervous. I know it's going to be an adjustment for the both of us, just like it is with every married couple. I just want to enjoy each day that we are together and grow closer as a couple.

I think before the wedding I may sit down and write him a letter of everything I hope and want for us. Then maybe I should give it to him on our first anniversary this July. To see how far we've come in those few months.

I am more than ready for this new adventure in my life. Bring it on!

Saturday, December 8, 2007

A disagreement

I'm having a bad day today. I just need to get my frustrations out. I'm stressed out right now. Christmas, wedding and moving all in one month will do that to you. I still have bills to pay and preparations to make.

To top all of that off I really haven't gotten to talk to Sean much this week. I've missed him a lot and just been sad about being apart, even though I know it's only about 12 days until I see him again.

Today he and I are having a disagreement about a situation that is hurtful to me. He won't compromise on this situation though, he keeps telling me to trust him, trust him. It's not an issue of trust with me. Obviously I trust him since we've been living 9 hours apart for the last 5 months since we've been married. I want him to stop this particular situation that is hurting me immediately! The fact that he won't hurts me a lot. More than I've ever been hurt by another person.

I think that's why marriage is sometimes so scary to me. Because there are so many wonderful moments that you share with your spouse, but who can hurt you more than they can? No one can. I compromise a lot in my marriage, which I know is what married couples do. In this situation though I'm not. There is simply NO compromise in this particular instance. It's either one way or another and if Sean doesn't do that, then I don't know what is going to happen to us.

Obviously divorce is not an option for me, I married this person for better or for worse, I'm not giving up on him or us. I just wish sometimes he would recognize how selfish he can be and try to work on that. I know I have things to work on myself and I am trying to do my best. I have setbacks every once in awhile and I know I am not perfect. I still have a lot of growing up to do, but so does he and sometimes I feel like I'm tired of giving in.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Is there such a thing as a Bridesmaidzilla?

Let me start off by saying that I do love and adore my good friend/roomate Gina. She is a wonderful friend to me and is such a giving person.


She is driving me nuts about my upcoming wedding! There have been several times where I have had to bite my tongue in order not to say something rude to her. I do not like feeling this way towards any friend of mine.

The problem is that with almost everything I pick out with the wedding Gina has an issue with. Even my own engagement ring! I would say I would like something and she would wrinkle her nose and just give me a look.

The look said it all! "I don't like that and I don't understand why you do either."

It's gone that way for almost everything. I just don't feel like I need to justify to her why I am choosing the things that I am for my wedding. I don't mean to sound like a Bridezilla here, but it is Sean and I's wedding. Not Gina's! I am glad she is a bridesmaid, but I think she should save her opinions and her choices for her own wedding. I only want her opinion when I specifically ask for it.

She is basically doing all my floral decorations in the wedding and I do appreciate that immensely and am taking in the fact that she has done this before, but when I say I want something done with the flowers she gives me that look again and tells me I should do it another way.

This has happened with how I want my hair for the wedding. I want it down, she wants it up. My make-up. She wants me to be dramatic, I want to look like myself. The rehearsal dinner- I want it at one of my favorite places ever to eat, she doesn't want to come because she doesn't like the food.

This is all really getting on my nerves. I am to the point now where I'm really not even enjoying the wedding planning because I am tired of the negativity I am getting from her.

Monday, December 3, 2007

December to Remember

December this year is going to be absolutley crazy. In a good way though.

Here is a small sampling of what I have to do this month

1. Finish buying Christmas gifts. I started earlier this year then I did last year, but I'm still nowhere close to being done. I still have a large amount of gifts that I still need to buy.

2. I am working at Sears from 7-5 for the next couple of weeks due to the holiday hours. I'm praying the amount of grumpy customers will be at a minimum.

3. I need to go get my car's oil changed as well as the fluid levels checked and possibly get a new fuel filter on it. I really should get it aligned as well, but I really can't afford that right now.

4. I need to get my hair highlighted sometime in the next week or so in order for it to look good for the wedding. I want to give it a couple of weeks to adjust. I just feel like my hair looks better after it's been highlighted for a few weeks.

5. The 20th I am picking up Sean in Louisiana, as that is when his block leave starts. We are then coming back up to Oklahoma to spend Christmas with the family. This will only be the second time he's met my family so I am praying that it all goes well.

6. After Christmas it's only 4 days until our wedding. I'm going to be super busy getting stuff ready for that. It's so overwhelming at times, all that goes into a wedding. Sometimes I wish I could afford a wedding planner to do it for me, but then I think some of the fun goes out of it.

7. After the wedding we will be packing up my apartment and I will be moving to Louisiana. I told the apartment office today I would be out by the 3rd of January which gives me about 4 days to get everything together after the wedding.

Just thinking of all the things I need to do blows my mind!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Something Borrowed...

I got my "borrowed" veil yesterday that I will be wearing at my wedding ceremony. It's gorgeous and I love it!

I was going to make a veil, but then my friend Kebi said her sister Miranda offered to loan me hers and I wanted to look at it first before I decided whether or not to make my own. I think I'll just wear this one though. It's a tad longer than elbow length and has little rhinestones in the shape of flowers on it. It also has a matching tiara with it. I tried it on yesterday when I got home and couldn't get enough of it. I felt like a princess wearing it!

In my opinion the veil is one of the prettiest parts of the wedding day. Sure the dress is gorgeous, but the veil is what makes the bride. I can't wait to see what I'm going to look like with everything fixed on my wedding day.

I just want to look beautiful for Sean. I want to take his breath away when he sees me coming down the aisle. I want him to be proud of the woman he is going to spend the rest of his life with.

Saturday, October 27, 2007


My husband Sean is a blessing in my life. I love him and all that he is. However, lately he's really been trying my patience.

It's a responsiblity thing honestly. He's 28, I'm 24 and I feel so much more responsible than him. I think part of that is he's still living in the barracks for right now and I don't think that encourages the most responsible behavior. Not to mention the fact that most of his friends are 5-7 years younger than him. We all know how immature 21 and 22 year-old guys are don't we?

Take for instance today, we are talking and he tells me he got in a fight last night. Ok? Last time I checked last night he was going to bed. So I ask him about that. I guess some of Bravo Company was outside his door, smashing beer bottles and being loud. He went out and asked them to knock it off, they didn't. So instead of just ignorning them like a mature, responsible 28 year old would, he decides to try to knock some sense into them. I just felt like saying Why? Why did you do that? He tells me his nose is really sore now and he's wondering if its broke. It's been broken before in a previous fight so that wouldn't be unheard of.

I just don't think continually getting into fights looks good to others. I've told him before that if he wants to do stuff like that when he's single and suffer the consequences, then fine. When you're married and your choices affect mine. Not fine! It's hard to really do anything though or attempt to keep him in line when we aren't even living together right now. I just hope that when we are finally living together that this childish nonsense would stop.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Well here I am

I know none of you know this out there, but I'm a Reference Librarian at my local public library. I think for the most part it's a good fit for me. I'm a very research orientated person. I get made fun of a lot because if something comes up that I dont' know about, then I usually say, "Oh, well I'll just have to look that up."

Although I do spend a lot of my time blogging and surfing around the Internet, a lot of that "surfing" I do is actually researching things that interest me or that are going on in my life.

Take for example, one of the main things I've been researching lately is everything Army.

If you've never been exposed to the military, such as myself and you marry into it, it's honestly like you've been thrown into a foreign environment, where there is essentially a whole other language and culture being tossed about. The list of acronyms is enormous. I actually have the list of them printed out somewhere, but I think I've misplaced it. Everyday it seems like I have to ask Sean to explain what he's talking about when it comes to the Army. I'm learning, but I still feel clueless.

Let me share with you some things that I've heard thus far and had to refer to my handy list in order to interpret what they mean.

Re-up, Pogue, NCO, Legs, Battle-rattle, ABN, BAH. That's just the tip of the iceberg folks!
I thought I had been doing pretty good on the acronyms until the other day when Sean told me he was wearing his ACU's and I had to ask which one those were. I felt like a bit of a dumb*ss after that since that is one of the easier things to remember.

I feel out-of-the loop though because I'm not living on post with him. Like, maybe I'd be understanding a whole lot more if I was actually there instead of here. That's not an option though, so come January wherever we are at I will be the new girl on the block or post I guess you could say in this instance. That's kind of intimidating when I think about it. I think that's why right now I'm trying to basically absorb all things Army into my brain. I don't want to be known as Mrs. Payne, that girl from Oklahoma who doesn't know her ACU's from her BDU's!

I'm constantly surfing on the official government sites that have to deal with Army things, reading Army Times online from time-to-time, reading military wife blogs, printing off resources I think I'll need and asking veteran military wives questions. (Thanks Amber!)

I think the thing that is most overwhelming right now is PCSing. Or, Permanent Change of Station for all you civilian types out there. If and when Sean and I leave Louisiana this is what we will be doing. Does anyone know how much stuff goes into moving? Yes, the government will pretty much move you, but the amount of things that needs to done before that is mind boggling! I'm a list maker and I've already pretty much started on at least running off checklists and using the advice of others to help get me through this process. Not only is my end of the move a long process, but so is Sean's.

It seems like there's a handbook or rules for everything thing imaginable within our military. From the things I've been reading I'm suprised there isn't an official handbook on childbirth and a checklist for you to complete prior to it.

I have to say though that I'm pretty excited about the life ahead of me as an Army wife. God knows there are some rough times ahead of me. I certaintly don't think this life is going to be a walk in a park. I know that much already. It will be an interesting life though. I can already tell!