Monday, August 4, 2008

Babies on the Brain

I'm having a serious dilemma concerning babies these days. Part of me really wants to start trying in the near future for a baby and the other part of me really wants to wait for at least another year or two.

I'm just so torn on when I want to become a mom. Did any of you ladies who have children now struggle with this? Are there any women out there right now that don't yet have children that are struggling with this like I am?

I'm 25, which is relatively still young, I don't feel pressured to have children because of my age, even though many women around here who are my age already have 3 or 4 children. Not that I find anything wrong with that, but that's just not my choice and also I didn't get married at a young age. Sometimes, I honestly feel around here that Sean and I are one of the only couples that don't have children. It's such a weird feeling too. Even Sean has noticed it. When we go to post-wide events it seems as if everyone has children! I would love to have a baby, but I'm just not sure if the timing is right yet.

I just hate people asking me when I'm finally going to have a baby. As if me being 25 is old and I should hurry up. Nothing burns me up more than that. Quite honestly I don't think it's anyone's business when I want to start having kids, I think it's rude to even ask that. Sean and I have only been married a little over a year and if I want to have more time with just him and I without adding a child then that's our business.

I do want to be able to see lots of Europe when we move there and to be honest I don't want to be pregnant or carrying around a newborn when we first get there. I want to be able to explore and experience this new exciting place without a child. Our plan is to get pregnant at some point while we are stationed in Italy since we will obviously be there for at least three years.

However, being a military couple we have to consider deployments and how much time we will have to actually try to get pregnant. Also Sean and I have talked about the worst case scenarios and if we want me to try to get pregnant before he deploys. I know that can sound a bit morbid, but I feel like it's a legitmiate thing to discuss.

It's just a tough decision. I think for now we have decided to wait until next spring or summer to start trying, but it's not keeping baby fever at bay right now!


Brando said...

I'm so with you on this topic. All of my best friends have babies and every time I hold one I think "I so want one of these!" But I also know that my hubby and I have a lot we want to do before we have kids- and there is no rush!

I've talked about this topic in my blog too because I hate when people ask us when we're having kids. Just because we've been married for 3 years and together for 9, doesn't mean we are ready to have kids. It's no one's business! I think we'll know when the time is right, and I'm not going to announce it to the world either. That's something between me and my husband.

You should totally take time to enjoy Europe! (although I'm so grateful that I was around when my parents were stationed there or else I wouldn't have been able to experience it!) There is so much for you to do and see over there! But it's still very possible to do it with children, no matter what your decision.

d.a.r. said...

Gah, I have babies on the brain too!!! A few of our friends have newborns and all of the shopping for baby gifts is torture! We were just in Target on Saturday to pick up gifts for our friends' twins and got totally enthralled in the baby furniture.

Right now would be such bad timing with one more year of school and this deployment coming up. But, we've already decided to start seriously talking about it when he gets home. So, maybe next Christmas. Neither of us are ready...but we are both excited to be ready when the time comes!!

Oh, and I totally can relate to the questions. Dear Lord, we've only been married 7 months. Why do people think they have a right to know?!?!

Lindsay aka Corn said...

Me too! We aren't even ENGAGED yet, and people ask us when we are going to have kids!

Seriously, one step at a time people!

My personal opinion: wait until you are completely sure you are both ready, and in a place where you feel comfortable. Getting used to a new country is going to be difficult enough, especially when the man deploys. I would get through one deployment alone, then add in the kids when you both feel ready.

I'm sure whatever you guys decide will work out great! Tough decisions, especially when you've got 'the fever'!

Carleen said...

Melissa, you have plenty of time for children. Enjoy your time with your husband now and stop worry about what other people are saying (I also felt it was rude when people asked us about kids...we waited seven years). You'll never get those years back once you've had a child. Having children consumes your life in ways that you'd never know. Not that that's a bad thing. I love being a mother, it's the most amazing experience I've every had and I would never take it back, but there's no reason why you need that now when you're both newly weds and on the verge of moving to Italy. You're situation is different from many other couples in that you do have to think about those morbid thoughts, about deployment, your husband being in danger, etc. But for the time being, I'd say wait to cross that bridge when you get there and just savor every moment you have together now. Just my opinion. I know I'm way out of my league here. I mean, my husbands a photographer, the most I have to worry about is him dropping his $900 camera on his toe. :-P

Sara said...

I felt the same way at Ft. Polk. Everyone I know there is a parent. And at first, I had considered moving there during the deployment, but now I am so glad I didn't. All of our friends have nothing in common with me anymore. Being around a bunch of women who are new mom's was incredibly unpleasant for me. They hardly spoke to me anymore because I couldn't "hang" with their conversations. I have no idea what the best breast pump is, or how much diapers cost. They almost looked down on me for it.

Unlike D, all the babies surrounding me the last time I was there further convinced me how not-ready I was to be a mom. It actually made me question if I will ever fully be ready to give up my body, parts of my marriage, and my ability to talk about anything other than my child. I know that sounds cruel, and I love children, I do. I can't picture my future without children in it. But I'm not sure we will ever be 100 percent ready. I just know that when it does happen I'll never regret it.

I'm lucky that both our families are telling us not to have kids for a while. That even 4 years from now might be a little too soon. I'm afraid if Mark and I take that leap in the next 5 years people won't be excited about it. In fact, my family and friends do just the opposite of encouraging babies: they say something more like "you aren't planning on having kids any time soon are you?" And then we get the story of how they love their kids but wish they had waited longer, and traveled, and been more financially prepared.

It doesn't bother me when people ask the question. I think when people see two people really in love, they picture them being good parents and cute kids, and the white picket fence.

Becca said...

Oh the curse of Baby Fever. I am a fellow sufferer, in a very similar situation. I really, really, REALLY want kids. Just not yet! I am way to selfish right now and still want to have the freedom to travel and drink wine and do whatever I want. Kids are a lifelong commitment, so I trust that I will truly know when I am ready to sign up for that! I think that in your heart of hearts, you and Sean will know when you are ready to tackle that next step in your life together!!

(army)Wife said...

I was there about 6 months ago and it went exactly like people said it would: when you're ready, you just know. Up until the time Stonewall and I decided to start trying to have a baby, we both wanted kids, but there was always something holding us back and our conversations about the topic would always include, "Yeah, it would be great, BUT..." Then one day there was no but. I don't mean that to mean there aren't things we don't want to do in life, we want to travel, there will be more deployments, need more money, etc. However, our buts started having buts. "But we want to travel, but we can do that with a kid and wouldn't it be fun as a bigger family." "But there will be deployments, but should we put our life on hold because of the army and the 'what ifs' that come with it." "But we need more money, but won't we always?"

One day it just felt like the right time. I didn't know until that day came what it would feel like to know it was time. You will know though.

loquita said...

Don't know why it took me so long to write a comment on here!

I have gone back and forth with the baby fever thing -- and I'm not even married yet!

At times I have *really* had the fever bad, and part of my expected it to flare back up when LT got back. But so far I am just happy to have him home, and enjoying the opportunity for some alone time. :)

I definitely want kids, and originally planned to have them before I was 30. At 27 I've definitely gotten behind on my plan. Now my goal is to have the first one when I'm 30.