I've been thinking a lot lately about who I am and where I am today.
I'm my own worst critic as I'm sure many of us are. I can honestly say that I'm rarely happy with myself. Yes...I know that sounds sad and slightly pathetic. But I am being brutally honest. I always feel like I can be this much better at one thing or another. Not even competing with people, but with myself.
I'm not sure where this overly-critcal side of me comes from or why it won't just subside. There is nothing more I would like than to be happy with who I am. It just doesn't happen that often. I always see room for improvement and that bugs me.
Take for instance, my weight. I am what would consider by the BMI to be slightly overweight. I'm about 7-10 lbs over what I should be. I'm one the shorter side so I'm not supposed to weigh very much. I've lost about 12 lbs in the last couple of months and although I'm very proud of that fact and also because I'm much healthier I just keep pushing myself with "you're not there yet..you still could look much better." When in reality I don't think I look that unhealthy and I don't feel unhealthy. I just feel like I'm not there yet.
I also am hard on myself about not having a career. Sure I've had a few decent jobs since I graduated from college, but my dream was to work with the National Park Service. Being an Army wife, that makes it more difficult. The nearest historic site is more than an hour away and not hiring. I see friends with careers and wonder what am I doing? I'm almost 25..shouldn't I be grown-up and on my chosen path? It makes me feel bad sometimes that I'm not. I want to be a photographer, but I'm not sure really even how to go about that, especially since I don't really want to photograph people. I'd like to get my Masters in Library Science while we are in Italy just so I have more career options when we get back to the States. Quite honestly my B.A. really hasn't done anything for me.
I don't know...I just feel like my head is kind of a whirlwind of all these critical thoughts lately, I'm not sure where they are coming from and why I'm having all these doubts about myself.
I know my positive qualities and try to remind myself of them.
~I have a college degree
~ I'm a loyal friend
~ I try to be a great wife
~ I have a job
~ I'm funny
~ I'm intelligent
~I'm a good cook
~I have great friend and family
~I have a wonderful husband
~I am kind (most of the time)
Does anyone have thoughts like this? Or am I just being a negative Nancy?
I guess at the end of the day my ultimate goal is to just accept what I am and admit I've accomplished some things in life. I WANT to be happy with myself. I think its' just going to take some work.
9 comments:
Good luck! We made it and it actually tasted pretty good.
And I meant the comment!
You know, this makes me think of a conversation I had with a really nasty wife a couple of weeks ago. She asked me why I was even bothering going to law school "since when you have kids, it's not like you will be a good attorney anyways" and then proceeded to tell me that if I was going to be an attorney then I should get a "decent job and not work as a government slave".
I was really offended at first, but then I was just really sad for her. Happiness doesn't always mean living up to someone else's (or society's) preconceived notions of what success is. Instead, we define what is success to us, individually. And to me, it is not to make a ton of money even though I could if I wanted to.
Whenever I get down about my accomplishments, or lack thereof, or when I feel like I am floundering in life, I just have to re-evaluate what truly defines success for me. More often than not, I am on the path, but I am being blinded by distractions and can't really see that. It sounds like you really ARE doing things that you want, becoming who you want to be. If you have goals, follow them! :-) It sounds like you are an incredibly mature and intelligent woman, and I have no doubt that you will easily earn a master's degree if that is what you want!
Best of luck, we all feel like this sometimes. I've definitely been there myself several times in the last couple of years.
If you change your mind just a teeny bit, your thoughts are ones you should be having. It's what the student said, defining what success will be for you. Without some conscious thinking you won't have goals that you can shoot for. The change your mind part is about being self-critical--it doesn't have to be that way, be self-develpmental instead.
If you really love photography and really want to work for the park service or the national wildlife refuges...go read their job announcements and see what qualifications you need--maybe that master's can be tailored for later!
And you have just defined the quintessential identity problem that plagues both college graduates and army wives. It's that damn who-am-I question.
And the rarely happy thing, I think many people strive to find peace and happiness, so they are less "rarely" happy and more happy all the time.
Unless you are the nasty wife that was talking "a student." Man those people just reek of bad karma and negative energy. That is definitely a white rose defense technique moment.
Maybe you should do a recipe site, we could email you the recipes and you could post them? Don't you already have one? I would send that chicken pot pie recipe :) is you wanted. Along with any others of mine you were interested in, Adam has request that I make stuffed peppers so I am going to figure out what recipe to use.
I can definitely relate, especially about the career part.
I'm just starting the job search, and there's not a lot in the area. I sometimes feel envious of my civilian friends that can stay in one place and have a real career.
But, I also realize that we (milspouses) are fortunate because we get to see so many places, meet a lot of great people, and do a variety of things. So maybe we are the lucky ones, and the grass isn't so greener on the other side... :)
Allright that weight stuff is just crap. You look great in your pics!
The other stuff is hard. I'm a stay at home mom with a BA and I feel like I should be doing more. Move at your own pace. Its a tough life being a military wife, face it, their stuff comes first and sometimes (ok most of the time) we are along for the ride. I think its ok that your 25 and still searching for your path, I think its something that takes time to find.
I have so much fulfillment in what I do as a stay at home mom but it doesnt mean that I dont wonder too. I think wondering where your headed means your normal!
I have thoughts along those lines at times. It's hard sometimes being labeled "a mother" when I know I am much more than that. (Not that being just a mother is too little of a label to accept) I have goal and dreams and I know someday I will fulfill them. I hope you find you are able to reach your dreams as well.
As an aside: I think you look great! Congratulations on losing 12 pounds! That is awesome! But no matter what the scale says -you look fantastic.
You are an awesome woman - you have a great life ahead of you!
I am so glad to "know" you!
-Andrea
Ok, I somehow bumped into your blog and to this post, the topic which I had pondered upon myself and even blogged about it.
I see that the other comments are dated back 2008, so I'm not sure if you are still in the same state or not. I definitely am not, I have realized the purpose of my creation - a woman, a helper for my man as a wife, a mother for my children, an individual, a follower of Christ.
Hope you will find your purpose too, will pray for you.
Post a Comment