Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Going Through the Big D

No, I don't mean Dallas...or divorce.

I'm talking about deployments.

See, Sean and I have been pretty lucky in the fact that we've been married for almost two years and we haven't dealt with a deployment.

Trust me, I feel lucky for that everyday.

When we decided to come to Italy we knew there would be deployments. At least one, if not more. That's just how it works.

For the last month I've been hearing different deployment dates, different possible locations, etc.

There was one date/location combo that I was actually somewhat comfortable with. Well, as comfortable as you can be imagining your husband in harm's way.

Today Sean said someone VERY HIGH UP said otherwise and my heart just sank. I know the details will change a million times before we actually hear exactly when and where they are going.

I thought I was prepared to deal with this...but today I started to question that.

I know many of you girls are dealing with deployments or have gone through one or several. I know that's hard and I give big props to you, because you've dealt with something I haven't.

I don't want to go without seeing my husband for a year, I don't want to come home to an empty house every night, I don't want to go travel without him, I don't want to cook dinners for one.

This part of the Army wife life blows.

I'm just scared. Bottom line.


Crazy Shenanigans said...

Ah, I'm sorry to hear this. I'm currently going through a deployment with my boyfriend. I'm not going to lie. It sucks! You have your good days and bad. You just have to remember, it won't last forever! That's what I have to tell myself everyday. You can do this!

Amber said...

Yes it sucks (there is no better word) but when all is said and done you will have a new found respect for yourself that is unique to a military wife. It doesn't make up for the empty bed or popcorn for dinner nights but it is something.

Easier said than done but try not to worry about the details just yet. I can tell you that the anticipation of deployments has been harder than the actual time that he's been gone.

d.a.r. said...

Aw sweets, I am so sorry. I remember that paralyzing fear and uncertainty as we were preparing for him to go. The last few months were incredible because we really cherished literally every single second, but they were also the most emotional and difficult for me. I hate saying this, but I really think it's easier in some ways to have him gone than it is to think about him leaving and having to say good-bye. That isn't to say that I don't worry every day, but it hurts a lot less, I think.

Hang in there, you have us!!!

Sarah said...

I was lucky enough to be able to live at home with my parents while the husband was gone so I had an amazing support system.

Even so, it's difficult and it's different for each soldier and wife. I often complained about how hard it was to be a single married woman. No one understands unless they've been there.

Lucky for you, you've got some amazing people in blog land to lean on with all your questions, concerns and bad days.

Good luck my dear.

SassyEngineer said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, but I will keep you both in prayers! I know God will protect you both, and when it gets tough, just lean on Him!

Kelly said...

I can't say that I have any experience with it. We aren't military. But I still want you to know that I'm thinking about you and it does suck!

Cassie said...

I know it sucks. My husband is on his second deployment right now (much shorter ones, he's on a submarine so they are only a few months at a time) and it is hard. Just remember to keep yourself as busy as possible! It's the best way to fight the loneliness.

Cassie said...

Also, the military will change it's mind 50 million more times, so just try not to worry about it until it's so close to time that they couldn't possibly change their mind again!

MRS Jen McNeil said...

it is a scary thing. The first deployment we went through wasnt as bad for me because i think i didnt know what to expect. this time around with deployment #2 its harder...i think b/c i know what it entails.and the kids are older and understand him being gone. i can totally relate to the cooking for one thing....it took me a while to not give the kids cereal for dinner sitting on the couch. family dinner was always so much fun with daddy home. it will only be strange for about a moth or so, then your new pattern of life will kick in.the loneliness and yearning for your love will never go away but it will get easier!!!!
my motto:
"pull the big girl panties waaay up!"
lol. your hubby will need to know that you are ok without him there with you.its crutial to his safety. it will be hard, but you. will, be. ok!!! im always here to chat!!!
take care

Mary Teresa said...

I'm in your boat. We've only been married since last May and being stationed in Germany we predicted one if not 2 deployments. I'm scared too. And currently I'm pregnant. It's hard that no one can tell me if my husband will definitely be home for baby's birth or if I'll be flying solo. Others have made it through. That's what I hold on to every time they talk about when and where.

Miss Adventure said...

I have to tell you that I would be feeling EXACTLY as you do right now. The thought of my boyfriend deploying TERRIFIES me and while I know that the chances of it happening are good, I still like to pretend that they aren't. Yup, total denial. I know that isn't an option for you. But I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one our there who feels like they got caught with their pants around their ankles.

lola said...

It sucks, but you do it and you get through it. It's just how it is. You go through crazy emotions and they can be cued from a litany of sources/reasons. You'll be stronger for it though, because if you don't keep your head up and stay busy, it will eat you alive.

Try not to worry until you actually hear something official. You can't change it, so there's no use getting worked up quite yet -- it just leads to those pre-deployment tiffs and nagging. I rarely advise the "ignorance is bliss" approach, but I managed to be somewhat sane up until a few days out because of it :)

Jon and Steph said...

I'm so sorry hon! I can't even begin to know what you are going through. You Army wives are so tough, I respect you guys more than I can explain.

But from what I hear, you become a stronger woman through experiences like this. You seem pretty tough and I believe you will make it through any deployment your husband has to go through.

I'll be thinking about you girl. SERIOUSLY you can come to Germany anytime and stay with me! We'd love to have you!

Sara said...

You will deal with it because you have to. Since we're friends I feel like I can be that honest. The amount of time that they have to be gone is unfathomable when it starts. The thing is, there's no way to avoid it when you know its going to happen. Whether he has to be ripped from your arms, he will go. And many many times I thought someone might have to sedate me before I let go of Mark. It stinks, but you WILL be able to do it and manage and even thrive. You've got everyone here and I hope you get involved with some ladies there soon. Have you found the girls different than they were here? More like you? etc? i really hope so. I could've used a friend during this last deployment.

Together We Save said...

I am not a army wife, but I have a very dear friend that is a Marine wife. I feel for you. It will be hard but try to rely on your close friends.

Lindsey said...

Oh friend, I'm so sorry. Prayers and hugs!

brooke said...

oh man...been through eight overseas deployments myself and gearing up for the ninth very soon here...if i can give you any advice it is don't look towards the goal line {i.e. his return date} just focus on the present day...in doing this he will be home before you realize it and you will honestly be wondering where that time alone went...this is how every single one has gone for me so far...and i promise i still look back sometimes and think...no way he was gone...feels like he was always here! and yes...oh yes the timing of everything changes by the second...if ever there was a definition of "fly by the seat of your pants" the military life definitely has it's photo there! but, hopefully it will all work out the way you need/want it too!

Kristen said...

Deployments suck! I think all the fears and everything leading up to the deployment were the hardest part. I'm not saying that it isn't hard, but you can totally do it. Honestly, what is your other option? It always makes me feel better about deployment knowing that the only other option is a life without my husband. I'd rather deal with a deployment and have him, than have a deployment-free life wihtout him. That may or may not be helpful, but that's what works for me.

Caitlin said...

Sorry to hear that...deployments really, really, really suck. But honestly, you end up being much stronger than you think you are. I was about as emotionally stable as a 16 year old girl and I came through it relatively unscathed (Rob was airborne infantry like Sean). You just take it day by day, have fun with the little things, GET A HOBBY, send out care packages, write letters and never
let your phone out of your sight.

Basically, you just do it. You do it because there is no other option. You take every day as it comes...some days the emotion/pain is extremely raw, but at least for me, most of them were pretty numb. And your relationship becomes MUCH stronger for the experience, as do you as an individual.

Focus on the positive right now and worry about the details when they come. The Army will change its mind a billion more times before he leaves (same for when he's deployed...you hear different rumors every day) and what I learned was DON'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING until he's gone/back/whatever. NOTHING is set in stone.

I wish you the best, and let me know if you need anything.

lala said...

damn, year long deployment.

one thing i'm grateful for in the navy is the 6 month deployment schedule.

a year is a long time.

seriously, the army should change that! for married couples or families, it's just mean, i think.

i'm with you, i haven't gone through a deployment yet and i'm not sure what to expect. it's this big scary hazy thing in my head, based loosely on what i've heard / read.

but if it helps, i'm hear to read your posts and pray for you.

. Becca . said...

I agree with DAR, saying that it's much easier once they're gone. I felt panicky and anxious right up until the time he left. It's completely normal. It's a huge change, but you'll find a routine, and the days will go by, and he'll come home to you!

I can't imagine going through this in a foreign country, I'll give you some mad props for that. I'm always up for a friendly visit to Italy if you need company ;) Haha!

We're all here for ya! Hugs!

Naturally Caffeinated Family said...

ah i'm sorry, we're not a military family but we certainly thank hubby for serving our country. know that we're all here to support you too=)

High Heels & Combat Boots said...

We are new to this life and I can't be useful for any advice on a deployment. But I will pray for you!!

J.L.S. said...

I'm with Becca... you are much stronger than me going through this while in Italy. I also agree that the emotions leading up to the deployment (especially the first, I'd imagine) are far worse than those after they leave. You don't know what to expect and you can't even imagine a routine that doesn't involve him in it. But, you quickly adapt and slowly realize you are a whole lot stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for!

And as for Kristen's thinking process.... Amen to that! I would so much rather deal with deployments from time to time than imagine the rest of my life without my hubby there. What's one year compared to the next 70? You've got this girl! Promise!

Mrs. Newlywed said...

My brother is in the Army, and he has been deployed 3 times since he got married 5 years ago. He usually does 10-15 month tours, and he just reupped for another 4 years.

He's been gone more than here since the wedding.

My sister in law is amazing. She works really hard to come up with great ways to keep him "around" even though he is gone. She has a picture of him above his side of the bed. She puts out presents for him for the holidays and his birthday. She cooks his favorite meals just for her so that when he gets home she remembers how to make them. She sends him packages, snail mail, emails, pictures, etc. She volunteers to watch other military wives' kids...

I give her a lot of credit, because she has done an amazing job of keeping her sanity. I am not sure how she does it.

She does work too. She's a nurse, and I know that helps her some.


The Rest is Still Unwritten said...

I'm so sorry. I couldn't imagine! I know there is nothing I can say, but just know we'll all be here for you to cry, vent and fuss to!

Debra said...

I totally understand how you feel! My husband is a fulltime Air Force Reservist and I used to be a Reservist also. In 2001 I cross trained and was gone five months. Then in early 2003 I was activated and deployed overseas in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. I was never directly in Iraq, I flew medical missions into Kuwait City. It was the beginning of the war and we were not yet flying into Iraq. As the deployed spouse, it meant so much to me that my hubby supported me 110%. Just make sure you let your hubby know that you totally support him, love him, pray for him, and that will get him through a lot!And keep yourself busy and around your extended military family. Fellow military families are the best support system!

Sgt and Mrs Hub said...

That part of the Air Force life blows too.

At least we have a community, here on the internet, and in "real life." It certainly doesn't put your husband back in your bed, but at least there will always be a shoulder to cry on.


Golfer's Wifey said...

Although DH and I are not in the Army and our deployments aren't nearly as long, I feel your pain. In our first year of marriage he was deployed for 5 months, came back for 2, and there I went for 5.

I have TONS of respect for the spouses of those serving. Being both the one that has been gone and the one who stayed back , I would definitely rather be the one gone. The spouse behind has so much responsibility. As to when you are deployed it is just you. Good luck, you will be fine. Have family come to town (or in your case country), it makes life easier and helps time go by.

Kebi Cedawna said...

This is so sad, I'm heartbroken that you're scared and going through a rough patch.
What a blessing that this blog has turned out to be. I think that the most important thing is the advice from all the other mil wives, they've been through it and their experience is priceless.
Don't forget that I'm hear for you anytime for anything in the world.
I so wish I could just give you a big ol hug right about now!
Love you and know that I'm keeping you and Sean in my prayers.

Gleatie said...

I'm thinking about you! I can't even imagine how it would feel!

Kasey said...

I am very sorry for the upcoming deployment.

My husband is getting ready to leave and we have been super lucky that he has been in almost 4 years and not been deployed yet.

I wish you the very best of luck!

kd said...

Deployments suck, no doubt. But I know you can do it! Also, I know of someone (me) who will have a deployed husband come this winter. And I'll be a country (or 2) away!

Stacey said...

Oh honey...it sucks. Flat out. But you make it, you cry, you miss them like crazy, but you do the groundhog day over and over, and eventually they come home.

I slept with a tee shirt that my husband wore his last night home with me - I slept with that EVERY NIGHT. Boy did it stink when he came home and I finally could wash it ;)

Suzanne said...

Traveling is how I make it through deployments! I like to plan things so I have something to look forward to. I'm planning on seeing as much as I can.....I will be B's tour guide when they return:)

The Mrs. said...

I am currently going through a deployment right now and hate every bit of it but one thing you MUST do is KEEP YOURSELF BUSY. That is what I have been doing and time has flown by and in less then 20 days my husband will finally be home with me. Know that you are not alone and you have tons of friends there for you wether we are right there with you or thousand miles away. It will be ok, chin up girl!

Tania said...

This part of the job really sucks. But like Sara said you'll be able to do it because you have to. I have to agree that the time leading up to the time they leave is the hardest and most emotional, up to the time you see them walk away from you. I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking about it! You'll figure things out though. You'll develop your own routine and get through it. The key is to not look at the entire deployment....just take it one day at a time. During this time you can distract yourself with travel and photography! It's a great time to grow and you will come out of it stronger. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but just have confidence that you'll be OK. We'll be here for you too! ***HUGS***

Hannah Noel said...

You're making me nervous just thinking about our future deployments!!!

Ugh... I hate hate hate hate HATE this part of being in the military. I haven't been through one yet. Like you, I'm scared. We'll be here for you!!