Monday, April 13, 2009

Insecurities....

Before I begin this post I want to let everyone out there know that I am NOT looking for sympathy or even reassurance, this is just something on my mind today and well...almost everyday and today is the day I need to get it out.

Some of my longtime readers may remember me talking about my struggle with my weight. As I've said before I have NEVER been a skinny girl. I'm short, 5'4", but I am not what many people consider to be the typical short girl.

If you want a mental image of what my body is similiar to then think of Kim Kardashian, minus the large chest. I have a butt and wider hips, though I am small through my top and waist. This makes me look almost out of proportion sometimes, at least in my mind.

Right after I moved to Fort Polk I was overweight and a doctor called me on it. I had gained about twenty pounds since high school and knew something had to change. Motivated by that humiliation and the realization I needed to lose weight before it got out of control I lost 20 lbs. Ideally I'd like to lose about another 10, which would put me at about 132. I know each and every body is different, but sometimes I feel so bad when I see all these other girls my height or taller that weigh so much less than me.

Realistically I know I should concentrate on my weight and what's best for my body, but it's so hard not to compare yourself to others. At least it is for me.

I just wish for once I could be totally happy with the way I look and not compare myself constantly!

34 comments:

Via said...

I'm with you! I'm constantly see girls taller than me in their tiny skinny clothes and I secretly loath their existence. I've gained a decent amount of weight since I graduated high school due to the fact that I don't play sports on a consistent basis anymore and I hate running, but I found that the weight watchers thing actually works. I played around with it for a health class last year and actually lost 17 pounds in 4 weeks and a friend lost 35 in a couple months. It was awesome. I suggest it, if you dislike working out...like me. I just have a hard time sticking to it when it's not for a grade. You don't really have to go to the meetings or anything, I didn't. Just get the books and such. It's pretty lenient, to be honest! /novel.

Abbie said...

You're certainly not the only one who feels that way! I'm 5'5" and I also have the hips and butt and no boobs! So I can definitely understand where you're coming from, but the good thing is that as I get older, I've started to accept that I'll never have the body that I wish for and I'm okay with that. And you know what, I'm sure even girls who we'd say have a perfect figure wish they could change something about them! So embrace what you've got! You're gorgeous!

Lindsey said...

I totally feel the same way!! I find myself always comparing myself to other girls! UGH I hate it, I wish I could just be happy with my weight!

I hear ya girl, 10 more pounds would be great for me too. We can do this!!

Mrs. Stilettos said...

Oh girl, you are not alone. I was always insecure about my body and it didn't improve when I got pregnant - it got worse. It is so hard to think clearly when all you see is how fat you think you are...I try to remember how blessed I am in other areas of my life when I get down on myself. I know it is fustraiting when there are so many girls who don't even have to go to the gym or be on diets and they are naturally skinny. BUT, there is something that they have to work at that we don't - and we have to think about it that way. God made our body this way for a reason...

Mary Teresa said...

I feel you too. I'm about 5'6 and currently 180. According to the books I should lose about 60 pounds. I think the last time I was 120 pounds I was in oh say...6th grade? haha. I don't always feel confident about how I look. Sometimes I look like a sausage. Yup. That's life. Good for you working hard to make yourself feel more comfortable with who you are. It says something about who you are that you realize it's an insecurity...nothing more.

Kebi Cedawna said...

I think you should be impressed with the 20 pound drop, that's amazing! I struggle with my weight too and month or two ago I topped 164 lbs, considering I only weighed 125 lbs 4 years ago, this is pretty upsetting. I've decided that I won't be concerned with the scales anymore, I just want to feel healthy and in shape.
Good luck with those extra few pounds, you've already come so far and I know that you'll get to where you want to be. Keep your chin up :)

Kelly said...

I can relate so so much. I don't have the same body type but I am short. 4'11". And I was never built to be skinny. However I also put weight on after high school and I had my doctor call me out on it about 2 years ago. I've since lost 20 pounds but I'm still on the upper end of "normal" for my height. I would also like to lose another 10. It is so hard to see your taller friends weigh the same (or less!) than you and be taller... so frustrating for a short girl! I'm working on being happy with my looks but it's a complex I've had for a long time too.

justsittingthere said...

I used to be very self conscious about my weight. it was hard to get out of bed in the morning and to motivate myself. I swore never to go on a diet coz i love food too much, so i tried to exercise. and i actually really started liking it. of course don't push yourself too hard in the beginning...have small goals...and u'll feel really good when u accomplish them. don't think about your weight all the time coz it will consume u. just concentrate on your goals and remember u are so loved!

Tasha said...

I know exactly how you feel! It's so hard not to compare ourselves to other girls! Your pics look beautiful and you don't seem to be overweight at all! The fact that you lost 20 lbs is amazing! I'm proud of you girl!

Miss Adventure said...

You know, I think that this is a problem for a lot of women. I know personally what it is like to have a constant struggle with your weight and the way that you look at yourself. In a little over a year I have put on about 30 lbs. 30! But I have promised myself to love myself and not beat myself up over the weight gain. I want to become more HEALTHY not just "skinner". Its the learning to love yourself part that is hardest of all. Once you get that, the rest just follows. If you ever want a friend to motivate, just email me. =]

Brittany Ann said...

I have a very similar build to you. Shorter, pear-shaped.

I totally relate. I also struggle with comparing myself to others because I feel like no one else out there looks like I do. Even the curvy famous woman are longer, leaner in the leg department than I am.

You are beautiful, though, and you're not alone. We all just need to revolt and show them what real women look like!

Tania said...

I can totally relate to the weight issue. I've always had issues with my body and am constantly comparing myself with others. I see a lot more cutesy skinny girls here because of the college campus I work in! I feel huge next to them! Now that I can't workout and my husband is home I've gained 5 lbs. It's enough that my pants fit tightly. So now I'm 140, when I was 10 lbs lighter a year ago and 5 lbs ligher just a month ago.

So, I can really relate to you. I wish we could all just accept our bodies and be happy. We are more than just our bodies and can offer a lot more to the world. Weight has nothing to do with our abilities. You're beautiful!***HUGS***

Sara said...

Whoever mentioned weight watchers was right on cue. I did it for a while and didn't lose a pound, but I realized I was also in a good place weight wise even if it was more than I had ever weighed before. Nutrition really is everything though. I wish you were still here so we could work out together. If you ever need a kick in the ass let me know! BTW, I am always comparing myself to other women. Being comfortable in your own body is, in my opinion, an even bigger accomplishment than losing weight. Women are generally sooooo hard on themselves that just getting mentally secure is a feat! Good luck my dear. Find that workout and nutrition niche that works for you. And be consistent even when it's tough!

Ashley said...

I'm totally there with you. I'm 5'0 and before I got pregnant I weighed 157. That is WAY overweight for my height. I'm constantly battling my weight too. Once Hayden gets here, I plan on going to a weight loss clinic for help/guidance.

d.a.r. said...

Girlfriend, my chest is so flat I am nearly concave. They had to sew fake boobs into my wedding dress because they couldn't remove any more boning in the bodice. I don't think anyone is thrilled with their body, but you are doing a GREAT thing by getting healthy!! I am so proud of you for taking care of your body.

J.L.S. said...

I'm with d.a.r. I don't even fill out my A cup... never have... even when I hit my peak weight after my freshman year of college. I have ALWAYS had body issues (I guess years in leotards will do that to a girl). And my weight has fluctuated so incredibly much my entire life. Even now, when I am considered under weight, I have fat days. Days when I see myself as fat... and I know when I'm seeing myself that way, that I am certifiably insane. But, it still happens. And I hate to admit it.

I really don't think I will ever be fully comfortable in my skin... regardless of how much I weigh at any given time. So, try to keep your chin up and realize you are not alone! One day the world will embrace curves again... I keep waiting!

Crazy Shenanigans said...

You're not alone. I'm constantly looking at myself and wondering what I could do to look better and lose weight. I'm also 5'4'' and my legs hold so much weight!

Sara said...

Did I forget to mention the most important thing in all this? I know you and I think you are beautiful! Seriously!

Mrs. Newlywed said...

I smiled when I read this, because I would DIE for hips. Seriously.

I have the "opposite" problem. I'm built like a 12 year old boy. I am just a straight line with no curves.

I've decided every woman wants what she doesn't have. I would kill to be bigger than a B cup and have hips that were more than one inch wider than my waist.

The Mrs. said...

I feel the same about myself. Let me be honest with you, seriously, I think you are gorgeous the way you are but make sure whatever you do, do it for you. I am enjoying working out and I never thought I would say that but it makes me feel so much better about myself and I have more energy. I have a long way to go until I will be the way I wish to look but I know the way I wish to look will never happen and I will just have to be grateful for what I get in return.

jlc said...

Are you kidding me?! You are super pretty!!! And like a lot of girls already commented, the grass is always greener on the other side.

You may secretly loathe those tall skinny girls, but we all envy the ones with chests and hips. See?

Never happy. hahah! Wow that was a positive post of mine. :)

Jessica said...

Well one things for sure.. you are not alone! We all have our hangups about our bodies don't we? It's hard being 5'3".. gain a pound and its all out there for everyone to see. But you can do it girl! I know its hard (its a constant struggle with me) but once you put your mind to it, 10 lbs isn't so bad.

Hannah Noel said...

oh my gosh, I totally know how you feel. And it sounds like our body shapes are the same. I have little boobs but have always had big thighs and hips. My highschool girlfriend was short, little with big boobs, so I've ALWAYS compared myself to others. I'm 5'6" so I always felt like I towered over the other girls too.

Casey said...

I don't think ANYONE is happy. Even models want to be skinnier. I'm 5'7 and 125, but with the cellulite of a 900 lb woman. Uck. Working out helped me feel better though. Now if I could just get back to it. :) Ha!

Jon and Steph said...

Hon, you are NOT alone! I will always have to struggle with my weight. I was an athlete all through high school and had a rockin' body/six pack. Now that I am not active, I've gained 20 pounds since moving to Germany, have cellulite, and a beer belly. (oh and I can't fit into my clothes) I don't even recognize the body I see in the mirror. SERIOUSLY.

I have started running/walking again and I am starting to feel a little better, but have yet to lose any weight.

But I'm with Abbie, as you get older you just have to accept that you are never going to look like your 16 again, our bodies change. But staying healthy and exercising is the best thing we can do. One of my best friends is TEENY and I always compare myself to her, but at the end of the day, our bodies are different and I'm never going to look like her. I think you look amazing girl! I think it's our own insecurities that pick ourselves apart, but I think you look GREAT!
Sorry to write a novel, I guess this is just something I completely and utterly empathize with!

lala said...

i constantly compare myself to other women i see. i was on the pill through college, so about 3 years or so, and i gained 15 lbs, almost 20 now. i'm not sure if it was the pill, stress, the food, or just my body changing as i finished maturing but it all went to my tummy, butt and thighs. mostly tummy. it completely skipped my boobs!

anyway i have a hard time controlling my snacking and my work schedule is crappy so it's hard to consistently work out. it makes me very insecure, i wear the same shirts over and over because most of my old shirts are too form fitting and they show off my tummy pooch. :P

so anyway i'm not feeling sorry for you, i'm relating with you. so i hope THAT makes you feel better. :]

Angie said...

Girlfriend, I think it's obvious that we all have weight issues! I had some pix taken of me this past weekend and I was horrified cause my face looked sooo fat and I had like 10 chins. I know I need to lose weight but it is sooo hard. I have always been chunky, but this is the heaviest I've ever been. All my clothes are tight and it just sucks. I sit around blogging instead of being active. I need to change. I'm thinking about it.

SassyEngineer said...

Well, I think you are beautiful, but like everyone has said, we all struggle with this. I finally realized I had gained 20 pounds since high school and needed to get into shape. My family has a long history of hear disease, and I need to get healthy now rather than later. I'm also learning that whatever I thought a "healthy" body looked like in a swimsuit is wrong. Even fitness people have hips and muscle and curves, and that is a-okay! I am having to learn to change my perception of myself, but that will happen in due time. Anyway, don't worry - we don't think you are trying to get sympathy. A lot of us struggle with the same things!

kd said...

Well, I think we all have issues! You are beautiful though. If you make a commitment to those 10lbs, I know they will go away eventually. It takes even longer for short people to lose weight!

I never get on the scale except at the doctor's office. Even then, I am obviously a normal size but more muscley than the average girl so my BMI says I'm overweight. I just rely on my clothes now--if they're getting tight, I need to reign in my eating and step up my intensity. If they're loose...well, I don't complain!

mewok said...

You are not alone. I think 98% of all girls want what they can't have when it comes to their body. It doesn't matter what size or shape they were to begin with either.

I think you're gorgeous! And you've come so far! 20lbs?! Hello?! That's awesome! Keep up the amazing work, but don't forget to focus mainly on being happy and the loved ones that surround you. Sometimes when we get so infatuated with our body image we tend to close ourselves in a box. Stay happy and stay healthy! =)

Air Force Wife said...

You are not alone!!! I recently have been stuggleing to lose weight and not compare myself to anyone other than who and where I want to be. I am only 5'2 and all through high school I was the smallest of all my friends and now I am on the other end of that scale...I don't understand how some people just never seem to put on any weight. Good luck, you can do this!!

lola said...

It sounds like we're about the same weight (and height!) and I know what you're talking about. I've tried to focus on being healthy and doing what feels right. I've been running more and eating better and slowly but surely I've been seeing the changes. It's rewarding and there isn't anything quite like feeling happy with where you are!

Naturally Caffeinated Family said...

i am the same way! hubby always says that every single girl that we pass i say oh isn't she pretty =) i'm still working on it too!=) it is so true, we see ourselves so differently than other people see us! that should make us feel better right=)

SinGal said...

Ok you might not read this because I’m a little late but I did want to share. About 3 years ago I got really sick. I mean really sick. I lost TONS of weight and at 5’4 got down to 92lbs. Yeah, see what I mean when I say sick! I pulled myself back from the brink of death and started running. Marathons, Fulls, Halfs, Ultras…and now I’m training for an IronMan. I’m in better shape than most American’s. I can run for miles, (45 miles to be exact) I can bike for hours, and I can swim more laps in one day then most people can in a month. I’m in the gym 6 days a week, and running 60+ miles a week. I’m a vegetarian and only eat health. I don’t think I’ve had fast food or eaten out in 8 months. I hate my body. Hate it. I’m on medicine so I don’t get sick like I was, and it makes me have a tummy. I’m not “fat” by any means. I’m 5’4ish and on a bad day I weigh about 138-142. I have less body fat than most due to my training, and most people think I have a great body. But I have been that way skinny girl, the one all the girls hate, and all the guys stare at, and I’m not going to lie, I liked it. But I wasn’t healthy. So every day I try to wake up and focus on what my body can do instead of what it looks like. Trust me, that’s harder than hell. It’s an every day struggle, sometimes I win, most of the time I don’t. Living and training in Vegas doesn’t help since most of the strippers hit the gyms to. Yeah, I want to throw them into the mirror to sometimes, but I just think to myself….”Yeah I could be that skinny if I did coke too, but you will never be able to do what I can do.” Keep you head up beautiful!