Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Scared Thoughts

I just got back from an amazing lunch with my co-workers. I had a delayed birthday lunch of my choice today and so I picked the local Japanese steakhouse so I could have some sushi. I had two delish rolls of sushi and now I'm stuffed!

I meant to put up my pictures today from home, but after I uploaded them to my home computer I couldn't find the flash drive that I usually put them on so I can mess with them at the office, so I guess those will have to wait for another day.

Sean and I were watching a special last night on the National Geographic Channel about Special Forces in Afghanistan. I had seen parts of it before, but at the end an IED kills/injuries several National Geographic camera men, an interpreter and one of the SF guys. It really got to me...alot. I had to leave the room when they started playing Taps. I didn't want Sean to see how much that bothered me. Just thinking about it now really chokes me up.

I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer, but sometimes I think of what possibly could happen when Sean deploys and it just seems so overwhelming and horribly scary. Granted most of the time I try to remain positive and not think of the "What if's" but sometimes I just can't help it. I know thinking about what could happen is not going to do anything for us right now and will just make life harder for me and for Sean. I try not to share my fears with him, I do try to be strong and show him that I don't dwell on all these thoughts everday.

I've never been through a deployment before. Sean was deployed once before we were together before I even knew him and I see how much it has affected him. I'm scared, sometimes terrifed to be quite honest. Most likely we will go through one or two deployments while we are Italy, his unit here, although on standby, will most likely not be deploying while we are still here. Sometimes I would almost trade going to Italy to stay here just so I don't have to be without him or risk losing him. How selfish does that sound? I think as time goes by I'll start or I hope I start dealing with this better.

Most days I love being an Army wife, I love the benefits of being involved with the military, but watching that show yesterday just rocked me to my core.

6 comments:

Whennrome said...

Sorry you're getting a case of the worries. I had a short bit of that on the way home from work today.

I guess I had been wondering why Sean didn't deploy, because I was under the impression that the whole brigade deployed minue the rear d folks. I didn't know there was a unit left behind. I figured that around the time you said you were moving to Italy (before the brigade is due home) it was because the Army had other much cooler plans for Sean's career. Either way, glad you got saved this one. Sorry if I seem nosey.

Whennrome said...

Thank you for the explaination. Tell Sean they do an awesome job with JRTC and it was easily the coolest training experience my husband has told me about yet. Very well organized, and hearing about the training inspired quite a bit of confidence in his safety during deployment. It must be a cool job to help train up all these troops ready to deploy.

Kristen said...

Its still hard for me to not worry. I live by the motto that no news is good news, but at the same time, there are days when I am afraid that bad news will come at any minute. I won't stop worrying until he is back home. There isn't much you can do to stop worrying except not think about it, and that is insanely hard to do. And on another note, I am so jealous that you are going to Italy. I have always wanted to live in Europe.

d.a.r. said...

Aw hun, I am so sorry! I can't watch movies like that. I used to, but I think until he is out of the army, those types of things are on my banned list. They make my imagination overactive!!

Hang in there, it happens to us all. And trust me, you sound like you guys have an awesome relationship and you seem so intelligent, strong and grounded that when your time inevitably rolls around to deal with a deployment you will survive and thrive. I know it!

SidLovely said...

Like everyone before me has said...we've all been there. Worrying is SO normal, although saying that doesn't make it any easier. I'm not married but my boyfriend and I have been together for two years. He's two months away from finishing his first deployment, and here's my piece of advice for you. Try not to stress too much, the worst part of this deployment was my anticipation. I had no idea what to expect, how I would survive, etc. I've learned to take things one day at a time because otherwise it's too overwhelming. YOU CAN DO IT, and you guys will get through it with flying colors. Even though he's been on deployment before, having your support is going to make a WORLD of a difference.
I'm here for you if you ever need me.

A Soldier's Wife..... said...

I wish there were words of wisdom that I could pass along to you to make all those worries disappear, but there aren't. What I can tell you is that when you don't know what to expect (having never gone through a deployment) anything and everything you see or hear will just magnify your fears. There are stages of deployment that we go through and the impending time prior to one (even if it's not knowing if and when he may go) can be the worst time because of the upheaval it puts on our life.... My only suggestion for you is to try not to expose yourself to it. It will not help prepare you, it will not make it any easier for you to accept, it will just frighten you before you ever have to be and that is not how you want to live your life when you are with your soldier....that time is too precious to be wasted worrying over things you have no control over. For as long as we are in Iraq and Afghanistan and have conflicts in other nations, our soldiers are going to deploy, it is not going to be easier any time soon.