Sunday, August 30, 2009

Empty

Dear God...I never thought I could miss someone so much. I feel like such a baby about it too. I mean, women have done 12 months or 15 months of no husband and I'm complaining about 3 weeks. I just feel so alone though. It doesn't matter how much interaction I have during the day either, at the end of the day I go home to an empty house and it's just Boomer and I.

It makes me wonder how I ever did so well when I was single. I guess it's because I had friends and family in close proximity and they kept me occupied. Maybe also it was you don't miss what you don't have. So..not having a husband that lived with me everyday..then I didn't miss it. Make sense? Ok..maybe not, but it does to me.

I just have this overwhelming since of dread about everything right now. Mainly the deployment is what I'm referring to. I have all these scenarios and questions that run through my mind and I try to tell myself that I can't possibly be the only person who has thought these things, but it makes me feel a bit morbid at times.

You want to know the stupidest fear I have about this whole thing? I worry that something will happen to Sean while he is deployed and he won't love me anymore. Isn't that dumb? But that's a huge fear that I have. Completely unfounded and stupid, but nevertheless it worries me to no end.

I'm really sorry to be a Debbie Downer about all this. I swear I'm still a fun, positive person. I guess the stress and worry is just getting to me.

25 comments:

Mallory said...

I completely 100% totally understand. I think the fact that there is so much time that you will not be able to know where they are or what they are doing feeds the crazy thoughts. Every time I hear about North Korea's newest defiance, my heart drops because I know that my husband will be there fighting on the front lines if they start something and they don't have the numbers that are in other parts of the world. I never had a problem with living alone until it was because my husband was gone and then I felt more alone than I ever did while single.

I'm just trying to say, you aren't alone.

Hinkley said...

Don't feel bad for being sad and down. This is a justified situation for you to be down about, I'd be the same in this situation. All you can do is try not to get overwhelmingly absorbed in the what ifs and just try to stay slightly upbeat.

Take care...

Via said...

I think that having friends around really helps. It probably is a lot of that because you two just moved over there not too long ago and you can't call your best friend 20 minutes before a movie starts and have her show up, or your mom to come over when you get wind of an awesome sale at the mall. That's also something I worry about, when we get our station, that I'll be miserable when B is gone. I've heard that it helps if you try to get involved with welcome organizations and the FRG and such and such so that you get the opportunity to make new friends. But, I don't know how true it is! Hang in there :)

Young Mom/Wife said...

Don't feel bad! It is better to be honest and admit that you are having these feelings than letting them bottle up inside.

I agree that having friends and family nearby really helps. Do you have a group of people you enjoy hanging out with in Italy? Also, it sounds like you do have quite a bit planned for yourself with your family and this will make the deployment fly by.

You can do it, and you most definitely aren't alone.

Jane said...

Yep. I think all your feelings are normal. Everyone worries about the same thing. And being separated is always hard no matter how long. For some people who are never separated, one night is hard to deal with. Its all about what you're used to. Always remember there are women all over the world having the same thoughts as you. And lots of us are waiting patiently for someone to come home again. Okay, at this point, patiently is a lie. The next 12 days just might kill me! :) Hope you have a fantabulous week.

Crazy Shenanigans said...

I completely understand how you're feeling. It's really hard not having them at home. When my sweets first left for Iraq that was one of my biggest fears is that he would fall out of love with me. With scattered communication it can be rough but you just have to keep the faith and remember the reasons why you're together.

Hang in there! He'll be home soon!

Casey (@ Ever-Changing Life) said...

Not irrational at all. Sometimes we just have bad days. Add that to the bad days we have living so far away from home and it makes these lovely trips they send the boys on even more stressful. We are all here anytime you need to vent!

Amanda said...

Don't feel bad about your feelings. Any time away from him is too long. I'll get the same feelings when Freddy is gone for his 2 - 3 weeks of AT. One year he went to Germany for 3 weeks and I thought it would never end. I didn't even have my kitties at the time to keep me company. Hopefully being able to get out your feelings in your blog helped a little bit. Be strong and don't let your feelings get bottled up inside.

SarahEileen said...

THIS is why we all blog - so we have a place to safely stick our "irrational" fears. And we're always surrounded by amazing, strong women who will drop everything to tell us it's ok and/or it will be ok.

You can do this. You will do this. And you'll do it all with a smile on your face (most days). I promise it will all work out in the end how it should - things always do.

Sara said...

We all have those fears and worries. The brave ones express them.

I totally understand your thing about living alone. I lived by myself for 6 years. And I've been married to my hubs for 2 years. But when he goes to the field or TDY, I cant sleep. I yell at myself that I slept alone for 6 darn years!! But you get used to having that big lug snoring beside you.

But like everyone else has said, you might be physically alone, but as long as you are a military wife, you will never be mentally alone.

Caitlin said...

I totally understand...I felt the same way when Rob was gone. I think the deployment will be a little different, since you know it will be a lot longer and it's harder to countdown...it's easier to get numb, if that makes sense.

As far as worrying that Sean won't love you, that's totally normal, but of course, it won't happen :) It'll be tough being apart and worrying, but you'll make it through even stronger than before :-)

J.L.S. said...

Your biggest fear was one of my biggest fears. I was scared that he would have all this time to think and he would realize he didn't love me. So, even your "stupidest" fear isn't solely yours. Hang in there, hun. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Try not to think about the big picture, just focus on the task and day at hand. When you look at the big picture it is way too easy to get overwhelmed. Just make it your goal to get out of bed, then to get showered and dressed, then to take care of Boomer, etc. Before you know it, you won't have to think so hard about it. You'll have a new routine established and time will start to move ever so slightly faster.

I agree with Sara, you are not alone even though physically no one else is with you.

Nikkilooch said...

Anthony not loving me any more was my biggest fear when he was coming home on R&R for the last deployment. It completely blind sided me and I felt it so strongly that I told him I didn't want him to come home.

No one tells you that many people go through this. I thought I was the only one, but I'm not and you're not. Of course you two are going to grow and change while he's gone, but it's keeping him in mind while you grow that can keep you tight. It's exciting when he comes home and you fall in love all over again.

I heard a special forces soldier say it best. "It's not the army that causes divorce. It's bad marriages that cause divorce." If y'all have a strong marriage to begin with, it's much MUCH easier to keep it strong and get it strong again during and after a deployment.

And since you know it's 3 weeks you want it to end sooner. You'll mentally prepare yourself for the longer deployment.

Hang tough. I'm right there with you.

Honey said...

you're allowed to have down days. that's what ice cream and chocolate are for. relax, eat some ice cream, and watch a happy movie. my favorite for my down days is singin in the rain. hope you feel better.

Jessie said...

It's ok, love, every military wife has had or will have those feelings. It's what makes us human, and makes us appreciate on a whole new level having them home. It's what makes us stronger. Never feel guilty for expressing the true feelings in your heart. I'd give you a hug if I could! :)

Erin said...

I get lonely even when the husband is just gone for a few days. Also, I would think you are anticipating the upcoming deployment and maybe also worrying about how you will feel then.

SinGal said...

OK you are not dumb! All your fears are ok to have, I think most Military Wives do.

Believe it or not, he not loving you fear is pretty normal. And what I have found was that usually right before R&R or homecoming you will tend to fight, a lot. It's usually because you and he are both worried about the same thing. He is worried you changed and you are worried he has. And then he comes home and you realize just how much you both love each other!

Also with all those morbid what if's, just remember this. No news is good news because bad news travels fast! My ex would always remind me of that before he went on a mission. It is true.

You can do this! And it's ok to talk about your fears, we won't mind!

Becca said...

This is so exactly how I feel. We've been married almost 16 years and this will be our 4th deployment and yet I could absolutely have written these same words. I blame most of it on being where we are. It's so hard here! We are so far away from everything we know, everything that is familiar and comforting.

J.L.S. gives good advice about just getting up each day and doing one thing at a time. Personally, I'm all about denial. I try and pretend he's just working late.

That constant level of dread is so exhausting, isn't it. I think it makes our thoughts crazier than they would be otherwise.

jlc said...

You can do this.


I know it's incredibly difficult and everyday you feel lonely. And there's always that shortness of breath that comes from missing your other half.

But you have such a huge support group out there. Please use them, and blogging, and venting any way you can as a way of getting by..... family was a huge support during this for me.


Don't be afraid to fall apart to the people who know you best. They would look for your help if given the same circumstances.


lots of love hun.... xo

lola said...

I totally understand/relate on just about everything you've said. I think the key is to just stay busy and that it does help in making things better.

And yes -- I've had morbid, morbid fears about the deployment and all of that. It's completely normal.

Kristen said...

Been there... and will be there again pretty soon. Michael has been back for almost 2 months. He was gone for 12 whole months, and I am already dreading the 18 days he will be gone for SF selection. Seperation just plain sucks. Now that I'm here in Texas, it'll be even harder for me since I don't have that many friends, and a lot of them just got their hubbies back, so I hate to ask them to do anything. Oh well.

As for morbid thoughts, deployment brings those on full force. I had all sorts of those. I had the funeral partially planned. Talk about morbid. It never really goes away. You just sort of learn to embrace it or ignore it. You'll be fine! I promise!

kd said...

If it makes you feel any better, I'm terrified. I mean, I still have yet to make a real friend and I have been seriously slacking on my FRG involvement.

This deployment will be so different for me than the past ones. I won't be able to call my mom all the time (you know, you have to watch the clock until it seems like a reasonable hour to call in the states). Most of the blogs I read of women over here have not had to deal with a 12 month deployment--a year is much different from a few weeks.

The year gives you a whole different vibe--it is easier to get into your routine and get numb. Hopefully we can have a few get togethers while the boys are gone...

mewok said...

Oh you're so not alone. Keep your chin up though and cherish every moment!

Mr. and Mrs. Top Gun said...

I totally understand how you feel, love. I have been through so many weeks and months away from Mr. Top Gun and I still feel my heart drop to the floor when he leaves. I know he is safer flying his plane then on the ground, and that he has an important mission to complete, but I still wake up at night sometimes in tears because I saw his plane crash... Hate that feeling! It's funny how when we were single (not married) it somehow didn't hurt quite as bad, but then we got engaged and married and the hurt came on as strong as ever.
You will get through this, and you can do it! Just know that I feel your pain and cry right along with you and all the other spouses who have their husbands deployed to the sandbox. My heartache is going to become a huge reality very soon, and I am not looking forward to the day I hug Mr. Top Gun on the flightline, and watch him get into his plane. Ok, I'm crying now! I'm here if you ever need to vent :)

Lisa said...

I understand completely! It was so hard to be without P, and I'm just the girlfriend. We've only been dating six months (not quite) so the two months we spent apart were hard.

It's so hard away from friends and family to help support. I wish I could offer some more. It's totally normal to have some rough times (heck, things were bad for me all last week), but they do get better. :) They did for me, and they will for you.