Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The One in Which I Vent

I'm sure lately you've picked up on a couple of themes in my recent blog posts.

1. I have baby fever
2. I miss my friends and family and want to go home

Now before anyone assumes that the second point means I hate Italy and am ungrateful being here, that's not the case. I do really enjoy Italy and all the travel opportunities I've had living here, but three years is a long time to be away from your friends and family. At least for me it is. I've gotten to go home twice since we've been here and although that was nice, twice is not enough time to truly get to spend with everyone you love. I'm close to my family (even my extended family) and I miss them terribly. Especially around any holiday. Sean doesn't quite understand how close I am to my family because he is not close to his family at all. He doesn't have a good relationship with his parents, so his cousins and grandmother are about the only family he talks to. So, when I talk about missing my family and wanting to go home, he doesn't really understand.

I also have baby fever really, really badly. Up until the last six months, the idea of a baby was there, but it wasn't something I really wanted. I had a lot of traveling and experiences I wanted to do and quite frankly I didn't want to be pregnant in a foreign country away from those I love. It's not that I don't think I could do it, it's just that I don't want to do it. Again, this is another thing that Sean doesn't really understand. We both want children, but he doesn't feel the need to have them this very second, like I do. When your spouse doesn't understand what you're going through, it's tough. Even though he tries to reassure me or make me feel better, it's not enough. I still feel lonely, because he just doesn't have the need that I do.

 Lately, when I find out a friend is pregnant, I cry. The last time I thought I might be pregnant and then found out I wasn't, I sobbed. I don't do this. In fact, I've NEVER done that in my life. So, for me to be that upset over not having a baby, it's a new set of emotions for me.

I hate when I try to explain how I'm feeling and someone tells me to, "Make the best of it." Seriously? That's the best advice you can come up with? A sympathetic word or two would have been a lot better than, "Make the best of it". I'm also tired of being referred to as "my only non-pregnant friend". Gee...could you twist the knife in any deeper? I think sometimes people just don't understand that although I'm a light-hearted person, that their words really do hurt.

15 comments:

Expat Girl said...

Keep your head up hun, I am sorry you feel that way and I hope it all works out for you soon, hugs!

Angie said...

It is tough when you know you are ready, and your spouse isn't. I have been there in my relationship. I hope his days of being ready for a kid come soon for you!

Tori said...

I'll get you pregnant as soon as you get back to the states. ;) I adore you - with or without a belly!

Natalie said...

I was in your shoes last year around this time. I never realized how much I wanted to be pregnant until both of my SIL's announced their pregnancies the same day. I cried for weeks because I so badly wanted it to be me but my hubby wasn't ready. He came around quickly after that but I remember how hard it was. Hang in there!

I'maNolaGirl said...

I remember a few days when we were stationed in Beaufort where I could have written a very similar post. I was so homesick that I considered just getting in the car with no bag and driving all the way to New Orleans because I felt like I couldn't breathe until I was home again. I hope you don't feel alone. Sometimes on those days the only thing that made me feel better was a good glass of wine, a good friend, and a good cry.

We're all thinking about you and hoping that tomorrow brings you all of the things you're wishing for.

Miss Marissa said...

Hi there, I read your blog from time to time but i've never posted. I feel like we have the same problem right now. I just moved to Hawaii a few months ago and I of course do not hate it but I miss everyone so much from back home i'll cry myself to sleep. If you ever need anyone to vent to i'm always an ear. It's tough and that baby fever i understand completely but i always say keep your head up and it'll happen when it happens! Have fun in Italy and enjoy it all and when you get that chance to go home, take it!

Julie said...

I remember sitting on a bench crying my eyes out because I wanted a baby and it just wasn't time yet. It is so hard to wait. And it is hard not being able to go home often. Wish the Army would offer free or reduced tickets once a year if you are stationed overseas.

Sarah said...

Ugh, I SO know how you feel. I felt that way for about a year before the time was right and I finally got pregnant. It's really tough when you know that it's either not the right time or both of you aren't in "that place." I also think it's hard for guys to understand wanting a baby that badly because they're not the ones who carry the baby - go through all the changes and feel the baby move, etc. I know it's tough, girl. Hang in there. Your time will come and it'll be even better than you imagined. Promise! =)

Abbie said...

Aw hang in there girl...right now, I'm the only one in my tight knit circle of friends who isn't married and while everyone is talking babies, babies, babies I'm trying to put my life back together.

And I'm sure being away from the people you love most, makes it all the more difficult to cope with the baby fever.

I'm sure you and Sean will be on the same page very soon:)

Keep your chin up Melissa.

Our Little Fam said...

I am such a family person too and my husband is not so close to his. I cant imagine being so far from them, I hope you will get to see them soon. Sometimes people really should think before they speak, Ill be thinking of you!

Jessica Lynn said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way :( This will be my very first holiday not with my family and, like you, I'm extremely close to my immediate and extended family. Cue the tears in a few weeks.

As for baby fever? Yup, also there with you. We'll have a window of three months where we can try for a baby before my husband deploys. He wants to be here for the birth, so, thanks to our awesome military, we get a three-month window.

thinking of you!

merciespermile.com said...

Your words echo mine about being ready for a baby and your spouse not being on the same page. For the last few months I've just started to have this indescribable need to have a child. I can't explain it to my husband; words don't suffice. My heart goes out to you!

Angela Noelle said...

I'm so sorry that you're going through a rough time :( All I can say is that I COMPLETELY identify on the baby fever, and the somewhat thoughtless remarks people can make. I realize that people aren't trying to be hurtful, but I wish they would think about the way their words can come across.

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

When you get back to the US everything will fall into place! Hang in there!

A party and A HALF said...

Girl, I feel you. My husband has been stationed in Hawaii for 2 1/2 years and we aren't leaving any time soon. Unfortunately, it costs us A LOT of money to travel anywhere because we are in the middle of the ocean.
Whenever I complain to someone back at home they are always like "Shut up you live in Hawaii". Yeah, its great and all, especially the first couple of months but after years it becomes WAY too much emotionally being so far away from everything.