Sunday, February 10, 2008


I really feel like my self-esteem has taken a nose-dive in the last few weeks.

In all reality I feel like a failure. I told Sean that last night when we were getting ready for bed and he tried to assure me that I was anything but a failure.
My reasons for feeling this way have to do with three issues in my life currently.

1. I have no job, even though I have been looking and interviewing off and on for the past month.

2. I have no friends and I have been living here since the first week of January.

3. I'm not at the weight I want to be at.

All of these things are really starting to get to me. I started crying last night when I was discussing this with Sean. I know that makes him feel bad because he feels like it's his fault because he brought me down here. However, I wouldn't want to be any other place than with him. Being in Oklahoma for five months without him was hard enough even though I did have friends and three jobs.

I want a job so I can get out there and meet people and bring in some money to our household. I hate feeling like I'm not contributing anything. I think I would feel differently if we had children or even if I was taking classes to get my Masters. Don't get me wrong, I do things throughout the day. I do clean and cook and iron and do errands for the both of us, but I want a job. I have a college education and am done with jobs in retail. I've worked retail off and on since I was 16. I'm done with retail for now. I want something that will at least challenge me. Is that so much to ask? Even working on-post for Picerne Military Housing would be a welcome position.

Having no friends is really bothering me too. I don't think I've ever been in a place in my life where I didn't make friends quickly. I keep hearing all these women talk about how close the military families as a community are. I'm sure that's true, but I havent' experienced that at all yet. Even our own neighbors have only said hi a couple of times in passing. No introductions, no inviting us over.....I'm just really craving a female friendship. I need people to relate to. It's so frustrating to me. I feel like the Invisible Girl around here. It's just an awful feeling.

Obviously my weight is a frustration for me right now. Although I am exercising more and eating less I know it's going to take a while to see a lot of results. I want to see immediate results and I know that's just no possible. I'm just ready to start losing the weight and feeling better about myself.

I'm going back to Oklahoma this weekend for a visit and to attend a friend's 25th birthday. I'm hoping maybe some time with friends and family will boost my self-esteem a bit.

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