Wednesday, July 29, 2009

How to Win Friends and Influence People

I think I need to read this book. Seriously.

I need a refresher course on how to make female friends.



I don't know what the problem is since I've become married and been moving around, but I have the hardest time making female friends. I've met a couple of awesome ladies (Lindsay and Sara) and unfortunately they don't live anywhere close to me at the present.

Some of the problem right now stems from the fact that I'm being very selfish with my time. If I'm not working then I want to spend time with Sean since I know he's deploying later in the year. I don't know if many of you know this, but I can be extremely shy. Usually the shyness comes out amoung women. Don't ask me why, it just does. Other than that though it's like I don't know the steps to go through to meet or even make new friends.

Have any of you ever struggled with this?

39 comments:

Jane said...

So much! I've been back in T-Town for a couple of months now. I haven't lived here in YEARS! I haven't really made any new friends or really even reconnected with many old friends. I'm terrified of being rejected! Plus, I think that girls are much more judging than guys. At least I have my sister to hang out with! :)

tootie said...

I know exactly what you mean. I can be on the shy side, too, and it's not always easy for me to make friends.

When I'm new to a place, I usually force myself to join at least 1 new group (like a book club), and I've made a few friends that way.

P.S If you want to laugh at how dorky I am, I actually read that book (how to win friends...) when I was a teenager :)

kd said...

I have a plan: we visit each other on the weekends while we work and our husbands are deployed. Sound good??

I have a tough time, too. It's hard being childless as well. I'm hoping it turns around, but seriously, you've got me in your back pocket if you need an "insta-friend".

Lindsay said...

I miss you!

And your a wonderful person and anyone (male or female) will be very lucky to have a friend like you. Don't worry, it will come.

My Army Brats and Me said...

Well it looks like you have a lot of readers so you are doing something right. Just be yourself and I am sure you are going to make lots of friends for life. This is the one thing that I love about the Army: You will come and go in the blink of an eye. You meet a lot of really neat people but you have some very awesome friendships that will last a lifetime. I know lots of moves and 15yrs as an Army wife. HOpe you enjoy your book.

Sgt and Mrs Hub said...

I have found that making friends is much easier when you have kids. Something about the mutual bond of raising kids instantly connects women :)


-Andrea

MG said...

It can be tough to make friends, particularly when you first move somewhere. I find the more social you are and put yourself out there, the more people you will meet, and better oppurtunity to become friends with. Have you thought about having people over for dinner/dessert? Sometimes just instigating some parties will help!

The Rest is Still Unwritten said...

Definitely! Good luck with, there's no shame in reading it.

Sara said...

I definitely struggle. The deployment made me very timid in a lot of ways I never used to be. I got so used to being alone that the times I was away from my apartment for more than a few days I had to talk myself off the crazy ledge. I would always get really nervous and be dying to go home. And as far as friends go, I started to shut myself in and get timid about meeting new people. And if I somehow made a friend or a friendly acquaintance and they made a comment that could be taken badly, I would assume they didn't like me and put up a wall. Even now that Mark's home I still do that. I get very shy around people. When I was meeting the wives last week I kept having to tell myself to smile and be pleasant because "shy" could come off as "mean".

a.l.b. said...

I have a VERY hard time making female friends. The ones I have met don't have kids so I have the problem of not being able to do the same things as them because Little A comes first and i it isn't something she would enjoy or tolerate it's a no go. And I amazingly haven't met very many people with kids who don't already have there little clique and "don't play well with others"

lola said...

I can be really shy until I get to know someone. It's tough, but I'm sure you'll meet some people! Definitely try to get involved with some groups or outings while Sean is around -- it will give you two time together but also allow you to meet others!

Mrs. Newlywed said...

Do they have a wives' club on base? My sister-in-law is very involved in the wives' club while my brother is gone.

I understand you wanting to hang out with Sean since he is leaving soon. Is he close with some guys who are married? Can you double date with them?

Mrs. Potts said...

It is really hard to make women friends as you get older. I know what you mean. Perhaps you can join some clubs? Is there a "fun" athletic club - like dodgeball or flag football you could join?

Mary Teresa said...

I think that females either have a lot of other female friends or very few. I'm not the most social person to begin with and the army doesn't promote love and sharing (lol) so how often do we really go out of our way to interact with other wives unless we have to? In my case not so often. I like my husband and I see him little enough as it is, I'm not going to trade "us" time for "girl" time until I have no other option. I know that our base does have monthly coffee's and trips for wives (with or without the kids) that I'm sure would be a start. Good luck and I hope you find the answer that works for you.

Dana said...

This post just reminded me that I need to come by the USO and introduce myself. I always have Jericho in tow, so you'll know me when you see me : ) All my current friends have either just PCS'd or are getting ready to, so I'm sending out the feelers myself for new people to get to know.

Young Mom/Wife said...

I have written about this many, many times. I sometimes feel like a snob, and am rather picky about who I want to even try to be friends with. I think for military women though it is even harder because we know that the next person we meet and connect with could potentially move right after we meet them or vice versa! It sucks, but at least you have a couple of women, and this blog to help you connect with other females. =)

JG said...

Yup, that's me, too. I have a more difficult time relating to women than to men. Part of that, I think, is that women talk about relationships, and men talk about activities and accomplishments, and so if the women you are around aren't in the same life situation you are (like us, married, no children - we have NO married childless friends!) it's hard to find common ground to talk about because they are either talking about their kids or their dates. Men talk about what movie they last saw. Gee, which group would you want to visit with? :p

Sondre Lyn said...

Ugh. You are singing my song! I know exactly what you mean. I also know that other people go through the same thing, but it still doesn't seem to make it any easier.

I don't blame you for guarding your time with your husband before he deploys, though. I guess priorities right now.

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I don't. Just sympathy! :D

. Becca . said...

It's SO true that it's easier to make friends when you have kids. It's such a common bond. Now go get knocked up! ;)

Hehe!

Doesn't Boomer help you? You should teach him a cute trick to attract some friends for his mama!

I bet it's more difficult in a foreign country?

Full of Heart said...

YES!!!! It is so hard to make friends if you're not working somewhere you meet people, or you're not in school and stuff.
I'm not even that shy and am willing to put myself out there to meet people, but still, it's so difficult!

bss said...

I do--I'm painfully shy. People usually take it as me being a snob, but it's not that at all. Good luck :o)

Via said...

I'm very worried about this for me in the future, too. I can say that I manage to make a friend or two within my workplace, wherever that is, but outside of that it's very awkward for me around people I don't know. We need a course for women on how to make friends haha.

Mallory said...

I am right there with you. But I have never had many female friends. Women are so judgmental and can be so mean that they make me nervous and it is hard to find people I am willing to open up to. I do have a few ladies that I am very close to but they live several states away.

Josie said...

I went to an all-women's college, where I made friends that will last a lifetime! that said, outside of that environment I've had difficulty meeting ladies I love. It's hard -- it's not like you can go up to a girl you think is cool and ask her our on a friend date without feeling like a total dork-o. I forced myself to volunteer to meet people, and through that have found some kick-ass ladies who are passionate about the same things I am.

Sarah said...

You know, I've been living in ND for seven months now and I've only made one friend, and I hardly ever see her. How sad is that? You'd think that since I go to school still it would be easy, but the number of women here who have kids my age is insane! Not that having kids is a bad thing, but its harder since there isn't anyone for the child to play with and all. I wish I had advice for you!

Jessica said...

I don't think I could've written this any better! I'm in the same boat only I have a 3 month old. It sucks and it can get lonely! :(

Laura said...

I have this problem too. I had 2 really close girlfriends in college who both moved away after college. Since I got married it seems all my friends are my husbands male friends, who I adore but just aren't the same. We have been making a lot of friends at church the past few months who are couples and I feel like that's helping but still no close go to girlfriend.

Adam and Shanna Family Blog said...

I find it hard to openly go out to make friends in this crazy military life because I know three years MAX and we'll be leaving. That said, I have made some of the BEST friends in the world because of the military, and wouldn't trade them for anything. It's worth giving up a tiny bit of your time, especially because you're going to need someone around when the husband is gone. It's a vicious cycle we fight, because I get having to spend as much time as possible with the hubs, but I know I personally need my girl time, too. Just my two cents.

Shoshanah said...

You definitely aren't alone in this. I always feel like I'm just not good at making new friends, which seems like such a silly thing to be not good at.

Jessica said...

First of all.. it seems you're not alone!
Second... that picture makes me really sad. I want that. I have one friendship that sums that picture up and she lives 900 miles away.
I know exactly what you mean. I am a little shy at first, but I put on a really good act. You'd never know it because I make myself move past it, but meeting new people or even going out with just acquantences(?) causes so much anxiety for me. I try really hard to get past it, but it's hard.
I also have gotten very accustomed to being alone this year. I'm so comfortable with it, that it's probably not healthy. As in, most of the time, I would be perfectly content sitting in my house by myself or shopping by myself, etc. I've probably caused a whole new level of anxiety for myself in that I'll only want to hang out with Trey. Not Good!
All that being said, I don't have much advice. That was more of just a venting comment for myself. I'm sorry! I wish everyone who commented on this could all just move to the same place and be like the girls in that picture!!

Michelle said...

Hello! I just started following your blog and I wanted to say that you are not alone! I have the same problem! I'm the kind of small town girl that likes to give and welcome new neighbors in hopes of finding friends... unfortunatly I have had several doors slammed in my face.. At gatherings I guess I must be too friendly?? Is that possible?? I mean I'm nice and try to visit and I get glares! But luckily we just PCS'd again and I've had small problems like it again but I have been lucky to have found a great group of ladies that took me right in!! Thanks for sharing! I love your blog!~Mcihelle

lala said...

well, I'm just going to add my "me too!" to your list of comments agreeing with you :]]

I find that being young (22 this year) and childless (so not ready for kids!) means that I am the odd one out every time (so far).

Aren't there ANY married women under 27 without kids stationed in Washington?!?!?

Random Musings Of My Life said...

Its harder as you get older. Especially because you just do not want to put in the effort because some people suck. We just moved again and I am having the same issues and I am not shy...

Windy City Kelley's said...

I've struggled with this in the past. Now I literally force myself to talk to others. It's hard but gets easier with time. I also come up with questions, before I get somewhere, that I can ask if there is a pause in the conversation.

My husband loves that book by the way :)

Gleatie said...

When you figure it out, let me know!!! :)

d.a.r. said...

You are not alone!!! It is so hard to meet people our age. We don't have school anymore, if we don't meet people through our hubbies or at work, where are we supposed to meet them?!?! So hard.

Lisa said...

I'm struggling with it badly! I can count on one hand the number of female friends I have that I haven't met at work. Actually, I just went through my phone and it's probably a total of two, and that's kind of a stretch. I don't talk to either of them with any frequency.

It's SO hard to make friends when you move. Heck, P only knows maybe 5 people outside the army, and most of them are people I've introduced him to. He's been here two months longer than I have, too.

Wish I lived there so we could be friends! :-p

THE WATERMELON TREE said...

I need this book! This is something that I am struggling with right now!! I really don't remember how to make friends!! It was so easy when we were little, we would just go up and start playing together!! I am so shy and pretty particular on who I spend time with that it has been 2 years since we have moved to the town we live in now and I still don't have a friend where we live!!
It is nice to know that others struggle with this as well!

smilelines said...

I can safely say I know what you feel like. Before I married and became a military wife I had oodles of friends. I lived in Wyo for 2 and a half years and never really made any friends. My issue was I always felt like I was being judged... Most military guys wouldn't think about marrying a girl like me; all pierced and tattooed.. And their wives were all pretty and classic looking, while I'm over here waiting for the next mosh pit at a rock show haha. I also think that sometimes I may put off a bitchy vibe towards people I don't know. Its not intentional, but when I put myself out there, I always felt like I was still being judged. I'm kind of like Roxy on Army Wives...and maybe a little more raw than her even. Its a nonstop challenge this making friends thing! And I'm only 23..this has been going on since I was 19. Don't feel bad :/