Thoughts About Weight

I know I've shared before on here about how I struggle with accepting myself and my ever fluctuating weight, but I had a few new thoughts about it and wanted to share.

Every year I vow to myself to "get in the best shape ever", but I think I've finally started to realize that my best shape ever doesn't necessarily equal this:

Let's face it, I'm not six feet tall with a long torso and legs that go on for miles. I'm a shorter girl who happens to have hips and more muscular legs. I've told myself over the years that I could be a shorter version of that ideal, that I could have skinny legs and amazing abs like that, but the truth is I can be in shape and I can be toned, but my body is never going to look like hers.

You know what though? I'm finally starting to be ok with that. I want to be muscular, I want to look fit and toned, but I don't want to look sickly and I don't want to starve myself or cut out amazing things that I love to eat (in moderation) just so I can try to be a size 6. I think I look good at a size 10 or 12 and even when I lost 20 lbs, I still was in a size 10/12. Evidently that's just my body. 

I see this floating around Pinterest all the time:

And I think it's a load of crap. I can think of lots of things that taste better than skinny would feel. Potato casserole, cheese enchiladas, chips and salsa, and a cold Dr. Pepper are just a few. Obviously I believe that you should eat and drink those things in moderation, but I'm not going to cut them completely out of my life. I mean, in the end of my life, am I going to look back and care whether I ever was a size 6? Are my children going to care if I ever made my goal weight or only gained 10 lbs when I was pregnant with them? No, I think not. And because I don't think it really matters, I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I'm going to worry about making myself healthy and getting into shape. Not trying to look like some ridiculous idea of what people think "in-shape" is.

I'm sure this new thought process is going to take some time for me to switch over to, but I'll try to update you with how this new process goes.

Weight Frustration

I'm having a girly "I'm depressed about my weight" day today.

To explain, I'll be the first to say that since Sean got back from Germany at the end of September I haven't been doing well watching what I've been eating or exercising as much as I had been. Somehow, my weight was maintained and no negative effects came from it.

However, today when I got on the scale it appears that it's caught up with me. In two weeks I've gained about 4-5lbs. My clothes don't fit differently and I've reguarly been eating well and working out for the past two weeks.

Sean says it's muscle. I'm not sure if I believe I put on that much muscle in 2 weeks. My only other thought is it's water weight for what's going to happen in a week or two.

I know people always say you shouldn't worry about what the scale says, but I can't help feeling defeated. I just don't want all the hard work I did previously to lose weight to be all for nothing.

Insecurities....

Before I begin this post I want to let everyone out there know that I am NOT looking for sympathy or even reassurance, this is just something on my mind today and well...almost everyday and today is the day I need to get it out.

Some of my longtime readers may remember me talking about my struggle with my weight. As I've said before I have NEVER been a skinny girl. I'm short, 5'4", but I am not what many people consider to be the typical short girl.

If you want a mental image of what my body is similiar to then think of Kim Kardashian, minus the large chest. I have a butt and wider hips, though I am small through my top and waist. This makes me look almost out of proportion sometimes, at least in my mind.

Right after I moved to Fort Polk I was overweight and a doctor called me on it. I had gained about twenty pounds since high school and knew something had to change. Motivated by that humiliation and the realization I needed to lose weight before it got out of control I lost 20 lbs. Ideally I'd like to lose about another 10, which would put me at about 132. I know each and every body is different, but sometimes I feel so bad when I see all these other girls my height or taller that weigh so much less than me.

Realistically I know I should concentrate on my weight and what's best for my body, but it's so hard not to compare yourself to others. At least it is for me.

I just wish for once I could be totally happy with the way I look and not compare myself constantly!