The One in Which I Vent

I'm sure lately you've picked up on a couple of themes in my recent blog posts.

1. I have baby fever
2. I miss my friends and family and want to go home

Now before anyone assumes that the second point means I hate Italy and am ungrateful being here, that's not the case. I do really enjoy Italy and all the travel opportunities I've had living here, but three years is a long time to be away from your friends and family. At least for me it is. I've gotten to go home twice since we've been here and although that was nice, twice is not enough time to truly get to spend with everyone you love. I'm close to my family (even my extended family) and I miss them terribly. Especially around any holiday. Sean doesn't quite understand how close I am to my family because he is not close to his family at all. He doesn't have a good relationship with his parents, so his cousins and grandmother are about the only family he talks to. So, when I talk about missing my family and wanting to go home, he doesn't really understand.

I also have baby fever really, really badly. Up until the last six months, the idea of a baby was there, but it wasn't something I really wanted. I had a lot of traveling and experiences I wanted to do and quite frankly I didn't want to be pregnant in a foreign country away from those I love. It's not that I don't think I could do it, it's just that I don't want to do it. Again, this is another thing that Sean doesn't really understand. We both want children, but he doesn't feel the need to have them this very second, like I do. When your spouse doesn't understand what you're going through, it's tough. Even though he tries to reassure me or make me feel better, it's not enough. I still feel lonely, because he just doesn't have the need that I do.

 Lately, when I find out a friend is pregnant, I cry. The last time I thought I might be pregnant and then found out I wasn't, I sobbed. I don't do this. In fact, I've NEVER done that in my life. So, for me to be that upset over not having a baby, it's a new set of emotions for me.

I hate when I try to explain how I'm feeling and someone tells me to, "Make the best of it." Seriously? That's the best advice you can come up with? A sympathetic word or two would have been a lot better than, "Make the best of it". I'm also tired of being referred to as "my only non-pregnant friend". Gee...could you twist the knife in any deeper? I think sometimes people just don't understand that although I'm a light-hearted person, that their words really do hurt.

I've Got a Fever...

An off and on baby fever that is.

I think what set it off is that most of my closest friends have children or are having children. I found out that a few girls I know are pregnant a few weeks ago and I broke down and cried to Sean about how I felt left out and wanted a baby.

In all honesty though, I know it's not quite time for me to be a mother. I know people say that you're never truly ready, but I can honestly say that I am not ready for a child. I'm almost there, but not quite.

I think the main thing holding me back is that we are in Europe and I'm selfish with my time. I don't want to give up going to places at the drop of a hat because I have a child. I'm just not ready to do that and until I feel like I've seen more places and had more experiences living here, I'm just not ready to give that up. There are obviously more reason why I feel that I'm not ready for a child, but that's one of the main reasons. I also don't want to be so far from family when I do have a child. Family is very, very important to me and if I had a child overseas, who knows how often my family would get to see the child.

Do any of the rest of you struggle with this? You have baby fever, but you know it's not quite time?

Babies on the Brain

I'm having a serious dilemma concerning babies these days. Part of me really wants to start trying in the near future for a baby and the other part of me really wants to wait for at least another year or two.

I'm just so torn on when I want to become a mom. Did any of you ladies who have children now struggle with this? Are there any women out there right now that don't yet have children that are struggling with this like I am?

I'm 25, which is relatively still young, I don't feel pressured to have children because of my age, even though many women around here who are my age already have 3 or 4 children. Not that I find anything wrong with that, but that's just not my choice and also I didn't get married at a young age. Sometimes, I honestly feel around here that Sean and I are one of the only couples that don't have children. It's such a weird feeling too. Even Sean has noticed it. When we go to post-wide events it seems as if everyone has children! I would love to have a baby, but I'm just not sure if the timing is right yet.

I just hate people asking me when I'm finally going to have a baby. As if me being 25 is old and I should hurry up. Nothing burns me up more than that. Quite honestly I don't think it's anyone's business when I want to start having kids, I think it's rude to even ask that. Sean and I have only been married a little over a year and if I want to have more time with just him and I without adding a child then that's our business.

I do want to be able to see lots of Europe when we move there and to be honest I don't want to be pregnant or carrying around a newborn when we first get there. I want to be able to explore and experience this new exciting place without a child. Our plan is to get pregnant at some point while we are stationed in Italy since we will obviously be there for at least three years.

However, being a military couple we have to consider deployments and how much time we will have to actually try to get pregnant. Also Sean and I have talked about the worst case scenarios and if we want me to try to get pregnant before he deploys. I know that can sound a bit morbid, but I feel like it's a legitmiate thing to discuss.

It's just a tough decision. I think for now we have decided to wait until next spring or summer to start trying, but it's not keeping baby fever at bay right now!