Scared Thoughts

I just got back from an amazing lunch with my co-workers. I had a delayed birthday lunch of my choice today and so I picked the local Japanese steakhouse so I could have some sushi. I had two delish rolls of sushi and now I'm stuffed!

I meant to put up my pictures today from home, but after I uploaded them to my home computer I couldn't find the flash drive that I usually put them on so I can mess with them at the office, so I guess those will have to wait for another day.

Sean and I were watching a special last night on the National Geographic Channel about Special Forces in Afghanistan. I had seen parts of it before, but at the end an IED kills/injuries several National Geographic camera men, an interpreter and one of the SF guys. It really got to me...alot. I had to leave the room when they started playing Taps. I didn't want Sean to see how much that bothered me. Just thinking about it now really chokes me up.

I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer, but sometimes I think of what possibly could happen when Sean deploys and it just seems so overwhelming and horribly scary. Granted most of the time I try to remain positive and not think of the "What if's" but sometimes I just can't help it. I know thinking about what could happen is not going to do anything for us right now and will just make life harder for me and for Sean. I try not to share my fears with him, I do try to be strong and show him that I don't dwell on all these thoughts everday.

I've never been through a deployment before. Sean was deployed once before we were together before I even knew him and I see how much it has affected him. I'm scared, sometimes terrifed to be quite honest. Most likely we will go through one or two deployments while we are Italy, his unit here, although on standby, will most likely not be deploying while we are still here. Sometimes I would almost trade going to Italy to stay here just so I don't have to be without him or risk losing him. How selfish does that sound? I think as time goes by I'll start or I hope I start dealing with this better.

Most days I love being an Army wife, I love the benefits of being involved with the military, but watching that show yesterday just rocked me to my core.