A tad stressed...

I'm a bit stressed today.

Sean failed his second PT test in a row this morning and things are not looking good for him. He was well above average on his sit-ups and push-ups, but failed his run by ten seconds. That's exactly what happened last time.

Now, after getting a counciling statement, he is going through the beginning stages of possibly getting discharged because of this. He's already been put on no-jump status, which means we are already going to start getting less pay since he can't jump.

If he doesn't pass this next PT test then it's going to be really bad, it's actually up in the air right now if we are even going to go to Italy. I hate not knowing what's going to happen and I find it a bit ridiculous that this whole situation is even a big deal.

Please pray that he passes his next test and all this will be taken care of. I know we could make it if he was discharged, but I don't even want to think of that and how hard it's going to be.

Failure

I really feel like my self-esteem has taken a nose-dive in the last few weeks.

In all reality I feel like a failure. I told Sean that last night when we were getting ready for bed and he tried to assure me that I was anything but a failure.
My reasons for feeling this way have to do with three issues in my life currently.

1. I have no job, even though I have been looking and interviewing off and on for the past month.

2. I have no friends and I have been living here since the first week of January.

3. I'm not at the weight I want to be at.

All of these things are really starting to get to me. I started crying last night when I was discussing this with Sean. I know that makes him feel bad because he feels like it's his fault because he brought me down here. However, I wouldn't want to be any other place than with him. Being in Oklahoma for five months without him was hard enough even though I did have friends and three jobs.

I want a job so I can get out there and meet people and bring in some money to our household. I hate feeling like I'm not contributing anything. I think I would feel differently if we had children or even if I was taking classes to get my Masters. Don't get me wrong, I do things throughout the day. I do clean and cook and iron and do errands for the both of us, but I want a job. I have a college education and am done with jobs in retail. I've worked retail off and on since I was 16. I'm done with retail for now. I want something that will at least challenge me. Is that so much to ask? Even working on-post for Picerne Military Housing would be a welcome position.

Having no friends is really bothering me too. I don't think I've ever been in a place in my life where I didn't make friends quickly. I keep hearing all these women talk about how close the military families as a community are. I'm sure that's true, but I havent' experienced that at all yet. Even our own neighbors have only said hi a couple of times in passing. No introductions, no inviting us over.....I'm just really craving a female friendship. I need people to relate to. It's so frustrating to me. I feel like the Invisible Girl around here. It's just an awful feeling.

Obviously my weight is a frustration for me right now. Although I am exercising more and eating less I know it's going to take a while to see a lot of results. I want to see immediate results and I know that's just no possible. I'm just ready to start losing the weight and feeling better about myself.

I'm going back to Oklahoma this weekend for a visit and to attend a friend's 25th birthday. I'm hoping maybe some time with friends and family will boost my self-esteem a bit.